2022/09/18 English

BGM: John Lennon "Give Peace A Chance"

Today we had an online meeting about autism. I talked about the failure and told the members how I had been depressed too. The friends of Discord gave me the power to go forward... Other members showed interest in this story so I was glad. I use mainly English on Discord, and I can remember that I had started expressing myself in English with the empowerment of the other people I had met at these meetings. It made me think about how the connection between people could work. Even if we had to do it on ZOOM, we had a pleasant time.

Another person talked to us about how she could have a friendship with the person who was worrying if he was autistic. I suggest that I would recommend him to meet a good doctor and do a test to judge if he is so. He would experience tests and counseling and could understand how his character is well. And I don't want him to shut himself in a bias of being autistic. If it worked so, it would be a pity. Anyone can live their life happily. I also recommend connecting himself with various self-help groups about autism as I do. Of course, it would be his problem so he should choose his way.

After that, I had time. The big typhoon is coming and making me exactly sick so I spent my free time with Hidetoshi Sotooka's book "Letters From An Observer". A very intelligent author's letters from London tell us how the world moved from 2003-2005 (not e-mail, but letters). We had experienced the Iraq war which involved a lot of trouble globally. Also, he found that the mood in Europe and that in America was clearly different. I was impressed because this author reads books and watches movies so much. He must be a very hard worker so I respect him. A good book by a liberal intellectual. I want to read his books more.

This evening, I watched the documentary "Turning Point" completely, which is about 9/11. This documentary describes vividly the confusion America experienced after 9/11. It must be an endless nightmare. Indeed, we should build peace and therefore try to do conversation. But how hard we would try to realize those ideals? We might have to experience some betrayals from conflicting interests, misunderstandings, and doubts. Or we might not be able to think about visions of the future well, therefore it would end some 'instant' actions. Then they could work worse. This documentary shows those kinds of problems, but also does an exact hope. Both of them can have a universal hope which is peace. Very impressive.

2022/09/18

BGM: John Lennon "Give Peace A Chance"

今日は発達障害を考えるミーティングの日だった。私は自分自身がここ最近失敗して落ち込んでいたという話をした。そしてDiscordで友だちに支えられて元気を取り戻せたことも……他の方もこの話に興味を示して下さったのが嬉しかった。Discordでは主に英語でやり取りしているのだけれど、考えてみればこのミーティングで出会った方の励ましがあってこそ私は英語でいろんなことを発表するようになったのだから、人との縁／繋がりの奥深さについて考えさせられた。ZOOMでのやり取りとなったが、楽しいひと時を過ごせた。

他の方から話されたこととして、自分のことを発達障害ではないかと思い悩む人にどう接したらいいかという話題が出た。私が言えるとしたらまず診断を受けてみることを薦めたい。そこで行われるテストやカウンセリングなどで自分自身の特性をさらに深く知ることができるからだ。そして、発達障害であることにそう囚われすぎて視野が狭くなってしまうことはもったいないとも思う。誰にだって幸せに生きる権利はある。私がまさにそうしているように発達障害を考える様々な自助グループとつながることも薦めたいと思う。むろん、その後どうするかはその人次第なのだけれど。

その後時間があった。台風接近で気分的にもすぐれないので、外岡秀俊『傍観者からの手紙』を読んですごす。碩学の書き手が綴ったロンドンからの手紙が収められており、読んでいて2003年から2005年の世界の動向がわかる。イラク戦争があり、その後のゴタゴタがあったこと。アメリカと欧州で実に空気が違っていたこと。そしてこの著者は実によく読み、よく映画を観ていることがわかりその勉強熱心さに頭が下がる。リベラルな知識人の書いたものとしては良質のものであるだろう。私自身、もっとこの著者の書いたものを読み込みたいと思った。

夜、9/11をめぐるネットフリックスのドキュメンタリー『ターニング・ポイント』を完走する。9/11以降のアメリカの迷走や混乱が生々しく綴られている。平和を築くこと、対話を重ねることが大事なのは言うまでもないことだが、それを実現させるためにはどれだけの粘り強さ／辛抱が必要となるだろう。お互いの利害の不一致や誤解や不信から裏切られることもあるだろうし、あるいは長期的なヴィジョンが見えないことが場当たり的な政策となってさらに問題をこじらせることもありうる。このドキュメンタリーはそうした問題をまざまざと現す。だが、希望をも垣間見させてくれる。双方にとって平和こそ希望だという共通認識が成り立ちうる、という希望だ。それが印象深い。

2022/09/17 English

BGM: Rhymester "ウィークエンド・シャッフル"

This morning, before I start working I listened to Rhymester "LIFE GOES ON" again. The message "LIFE STILL GOES ON" impressed me deeply. Yes, everything goes... I can remember the hard days when I strictly believed I would be big, I could be a pro writer. But, at last, I had to give up and lived with regret, and I still am alive. This life hasn't ended and brought me unbelievable drama. Now I can think about job coaches and the coming life of the 50s. Ah, life is wonderful.

Today I worked early. I have never thought that I could keep on working until now. In addition to, I have never thought that this life would give me a lot of lessons that could make me like this. Just I wanted to eat meals and show my pride, and that's all... This might sound like an anachronism, but it must be 'I wanted to be a man'. My parents were already so old and I couldn't be a NEET. And I had thought that I would be an idiot without any work... I can't say if I would be an idiot, but anyway, doing my work might be right for me. I have been trained by such a process.

A big typhoon is coming. I might not be able to go to my workplace. I will even not be able to go out of my room. For emergency state, I bought some 'instant meals' and also borrowed Natsuki Ikezawa's long novel "The Downfall of Matias Guili" to enjoy. I made a memo for the meeting tomorrow. About the things that I have learned from Discord, recent failure, etc... I have no confidence in speaking my truths well, but the members of the meeting are my friends. So I can show my poor talking. I think I show to shame. That even might work interestingly.

This evening I read Haruki Murakami's "And sad foreign languages". After a while, I read Haruki's writing again. When I was a high school student, I read his "Pinball, 1973" and learned how was the Haruki world. And after that, I carried his "Norwegian Wood" as a bible (or it might be an "amulet"). Therefore I disliked myself and I even dissed Haruki intentionally. But now, I read his writing with a neutral mood and can feel another taste. I like Haruki, but it won't be bad, will it? I can say so. Probably I will grow up with this ambivalent emotion, this kind of love and hate.

2022/09/17

BGM: Rhymester "ウィークエンド・シャッフル"

今朝、仕事前にライムスター「LIFE GOES ON」を聴き返す。「LIFE STILL GOES ON」というメッセージが沁みる。人生はまだまだ続く……私自身、自分の人生を振り返っていつかビッグになる、いつかプロの作家になると思って無理をした日々のことを思い出す。結局結果的にはそうなれず、挫折を抱えて今まで生きてきたわけだがそれで人生は終わらずまだまだ続いている。そして人生は思いもよらないドラマを私に導いてくれたわけで、今はジョブコーチやこれから訪れる50代の人生のことを考えられる。ああ、人生とは不思議なものだ。

今日は早番だった。この仕事にしても、始めた当初はここまで長く続けることもまったく考えておらず、まして仕事からたくさんのことを学べるということも予想しておらず、ただ食うため、面子のためにやってきたのだった。あえて反時代的な表現を使えば「男の意地」というやつだ。両親が高齢だったためにニートになるということもできず、私自身仕事をしないと自分はダメになると思って必死だった……ダメになったかどうかはわからないが、ともあれ仕事をしてきたことは正解だったのかもしれない。私はそうして鍛えられたのだと思った。

台風が近づいてきている。もしかしたら仕事はおろか、部屋から出ることさえできないしれない。いざという時のためにインスタント食品を買い込み、部屋の中に留まって読むために池澤夏樹『マシアス・ギリの失脚』という長い小説を借りてきた。明日のミーティングで話すためのメモを作る。Discordから学んだことについて、最近の失敗について……うまく喋れる自信なんてこれっぽっちもない。だが、ミーティングに集うのは仲間たちばかりなので、失敗して恥をかいてもいいやと考えることにする。猪木に倣って恥をかこうと思った。しくじってこそ面白いと。

夜、村上春樹『やがて哀しき外国語』を少し読む。村上春樹が書いたものを読むのも久しぶりだ。高校生の頃にひょんなことから『1973年のピンボール』を読んだことで彼の世界を知り、高校生の頃は『ノルウェイの森』をバイブルのように（いや、むしろお守りのように？）持ち歩いていたことを思い出す。ゆえに一時期そんな村上春樹フリークの自分が嫌になってわざと悪口を言った時期もあったのだが、今こうしてニュートラルな心境で読むとまた違った味わいがある。春樹のことを好きで何が悪い、という自分が居る。多分この愛憎（アンビバレントな感情）を抱えたまま私は成長していくのだろう。

2022/09/16 English

BGM: Soul II Soul "Back To Life"

Today I worked late. This morning I couldn't feel fine, but I had to go to work so decided to do my routine as usual. I had breakfast, took a shower, and wrote my diary. I could feel that my mood went a little bit upper. Just I do what I should do, not relying on my mod too much. Just do my task at my work and in my private. That pushes me ahead. I can feel that. After that, I had time to watch the 3rd episode of the documentary about 9/11, "Turning Point" on Netflix.

I read Natsuki Ikezawa's "The End and the beginning 2.0". I had read this book once, but now I can have an impression that Natsuki Ikezawa teases us. But it won't that he heats us terribly and causes us to do something worse. I thought he just tries to ask us about Japanese and American politics and say "Don't you think something is wrong?". This asking is just from Natsuki Ikezawa's tenderness and seriousness. I shouldn't accept other peoples' opinions straightly but just think by myself.

I started writing my paper or my memo for the meeting we will have next Sunday. I want to talk about what I have learned from making my server on Discord. I couldn't remember why I had started using Discord, but I just had started joining various servers about language exchange to learn English, and enjoyed chatting with a lot of users in English. Then, I got to understand things globally beyond the wall of Japanese conversation. I want to tell my friends about this.

Finally, I could do my work today. It was enabled by the communication with friends I have met on Discord in that way. Many friends stay on my server and enjoy chatting. I have no leadership. Just a wishy-washy, weak person. But I am just trying to stay dutiful and serious. I want to accept this weak myself and stay honest about the situation. This can be 'my way', so it's OK!

2022/09/16

BGM: オリジナル・ラブ "朝日のあたる道"

今日は遅番だった。朝、あまり調子が良くなかったのだけれど仕事を休むわけにもいかないのでいつもの日課を行う。朝食を食べてシャワーを浴び、日記を書く。そうすると少し調子が上向いてきたように思った。気持ちに左右されず、やるべきことをやってみること。仕事においてもプライベートにおいても、こうしてタスクを淡々とこなすこと。それが自分を前に推し進めてくれることを改めて実感する。その後時間があったのでネットフリックスで9/11に関するドキュメンタリー『ターニング・ポイント』第3話を観た。

池澤夏樹『終わりと始まり 2.0』を読む。この本は実は前にも読んだことがあったのだけれど、今読むと池澤夏樹が実はかなりこちらを挑発しているような、そんな印象を抱いた。とはいえ下品に煽ってそそのかす類のものではなく、私たちにも安倍政権やトランプ政権の下で暮らす毎日において起こる様々な問題を、おかしいと思わないかと問いかけてきているように思ったのだった。その挑発はそのまま池澤夏樹という人の良心、彼の優しさから出てきているもののように感じられた。私自身、他人の意見を鵜呑みにすることを止めて自分で考えないといけない。

日曜日に行うミーティングで発表する際の資料というか、メモを書くことにした。私がDiscordでサーバというかグループを作ってそこから学んだことを話したいと思ったのだった。もともとDiscordを使い始めるようになったきっかけは詳しく思い出せないのだけれど、私はゲーマーではないのでただ英語でチャットできればと思って言語交換絡みのサーバに出入りするようになり、そこから友だちと英語で語らうようになった。そうしていると日本語でちまちまコミュニケーションすることだけに留まらない、広い視野で物事を捉えられるようになったというところはあると思う。そんなことを話そうと思った。

今日仕事ができたのも、そんな風にDiscordで知り合った友だちとのコミュニケーションで支えられたことが大きかったのだった。いつの間にか私のサーバにも人が集まってくれて、活発にチャットを使って話をしてくれている。私はリーダーシップがある人間でもない。常に優柔不断で弱っちく、脆い人間だ。でも、どんな時も自分なりに誠実に対処することを心がけている。この歳まで生きてきて、私は強くなれない自分を肯定することに決めて弱っちいままに誠実になろうと思うようになった。そうだ。これが私なりの生き方なので、「これでいいのだ」（赤塚不二夫）！

2022/09/15 English

BGM: George Harrison "All Things Must Pass"

One thing which I can't write here made me depressed, so once I only could stay still on the bed and do nothing. But blaming myself doesn't make the situation better so I have to think about how to solve the problem. I lined to the staff of my group home and also thought about what I could do for the solution. As one way of solution, I decided to write down my emotion in a diary by using an app. It's the action of writing what I am feeling and also suffering. It will make my confused mind clean, and also let me see how once I could recover from my past troubles. That will work well for my mind so I decided to do so.

I think about this journal. In the beginning, I never thought that it would be nice for me, but I just wanted to tell my friends on Discord and MeWe how my life is. But now, this work is necessary for my life. Writing something might suit my nature. Ah, once a person said to me that "You must run away by writing from your reality". That was true. I tried to run away from the cruel reality by writing various things. Now writing becomes the solution to various problems. I would keep on writing things as usual.

I read Shigeo Goto's "skmt Who is Ryuichi Sakamoto". In this book, Ryuichi Sakamoto talks about himself as a changeable thing, not a static thing that should be the same every time, and express his thoughts straightly even if they could change drastically. That was impressive. Me, I sometimes have been confused because I try to be true to myself. If today's ideas I have are different from yesterday's ones, it would be difficult from making them the same. I guess that Ryuichi Sakamoto might be a kind of 'schizo kid'. Sometimes we might need to 'run away' from old ourselves as Akira Asada says.

This evening, I attended the online meeting and learned the 'speech act'. Various cultures these are coming from various peoples as the Japanese, Thai, and Chinese. And also the characteristic speech act from them. If we made mistakes or be late from promises, there could be a culture that lets them apologize easily, but also another one that lets them not apologize. This might be related to Japanese characteristic phenomena such as 'poor apologizing' or 'poor negotiation'. Then, learning from other countries or cultures make the chance of reflecting our culture or communication itself. I could understand the meaning of learning English, therefore I could learn one thing exactly.