BGM: Paul Weller - Has My Fire Really Gone Out?
I worked early today. This morning I had been haunted by a very serious depression/confusion, therefore couldn't find any motivation to keep on working. TBH... this can be a kind of "trigger" so I am now choosing proper words to describe that mood and trying not to deliver that confused state of mind to you, but I have to admit that that morning time, I felt a certain wish/lust for escape from this work, or simply from this life forever.
With that seriously confused/messed mind, before work, I sent a LINE message to my job coach. She answered me soon, and I could have a certain comfort/trust in her answering messages. Oh my... When I was in my 30s (and literally tried to "escape" from everything anymore by trying to overdose,) I couldn't find any hope in this life. I was like an orphan in an isolated mind land (even though I had lived with my parents in a house.) But now, I can trust my job coach, my staff from the group home, my friends, and of course my parents.
This evening I attended a Zoom meeting with my friends, and we enjoyed small talk for a while. The main topic was about a recent new Japanese word "Papa-Katsu [パパ活]". It means about the activities young ladies enjoy dating with older/mature men (probably by those dating activities, they also get something from those men. Money and also...) How can we describe it in English? Can there be any proper English word that has almost the same meaning with it? A professional person who works as a guide for foreigners suggested us the word "sugar dating". I have been impressed by that idea.
After that meeting, I had already been so tired that I couldn't enjoy anything... by writing this, I have to admit that my days go really rapidly. Next month, I will be 49. Why do I live this life, even though I can never reach any higher level such as Kafka, Joyce, and Nabokov had reached? I have to admit that I am just an ordinary, maybe a little bit "hentai" guy... Why, why, why. After asking about this, and listening to Beth Gibbons's latest album, I enjoyed "losing" my mind by the groove, and also by her beautiful voice singing (so marvelous!).
