An emptiness, a huge hole in my mind... This morning I tried to read another book, but couldn't concentrate on that so started thinking about this idea. As you might have already known, I have read plenty of books from my teenage days (even though, I once stopped reading when I was a heavy drinker - also even gave up living this life toward the future completely). Once, I thought that those books I had read must become a kind of compass that would guide me to the correct, best way to go. But, even now I can't stop feeling that I am still wandering in a huge maze. Like the ending of Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece "The Shining".
Plenty of resources of literature, philosophy, and music - once, like a honey bee, I tried to collect them to build my own territory or very small "otaku" kingdom. In that kingdom, I could be a king who had no servants around me - therefore, looking at that period, all I can remember is just not the memories with any actual other friends, but just very flat emotions (in particular, a huge frustration). Practically, I must have needed someone who could open my door - but also, I guess at that time I had been possessed by a certain doubt toward the outer world.
Therefore, in a way, I have still been possessed by a kind of daydream, or a huge delusion - Yes, there was no teenage romance to experience, to let myself grow up. When I was 20s or even 30s, I thought that I must have been a really miserable guy (a kind of victim of this society). But since my 40 when I started attending meetings about autism, I could have built a truly trustable relationship to move me forward again.
Thinking about these memories - Now (probably it can be too late, but NOW), I can see that we need to do plenty of trials and errors to improve ourselves. In other words, as we Japanese express as "a child in a box [箱入り娘]", I was truly a kind of "innocent" child who must have been soaked in an endless dream. About this topic, you may say I am too out of date, old fashioned guy - But I say my truth. Let's go out with your smartphone to enjoy the real world's various cool, groovy moments.
