BGM: Hayden - The Closer I Get
It was a day off today. I went to AEON this morning. At there, I read Martin Heidegger's "Nietzsche" a little. Of course, it was really difficult one for me to explain something as my opinion easily, but it was also provoking therefore I tried to think about how the concepts "emotion" and "feeling" could be different from each other.
And - I started thinking about this again. Why do I read such difficult ones at my free time? I remembered this - When I was at my teenage, as I have already written, I had been attracted by Haruki Murakami and tried to write short articles of mine (the reviews about books, music, culture, etc.) In a way, I adored becoming a great critic who can see everything clearly, so perfectly. Yes, I was too young. But at that time, I must have been really diligent one who had tried to study anything to become bigger, actually by my own poor way.
After that time, I looked at my smartphone, then it taught me about a person who had passed away... At about 11 am, I went to the library to borrow some books. Besides picking up Yoko Tawada's one, suddenly a book caught my interest. The title was saying to me as it is about death (in particular - suicide.) Probably that news remained at somewhere in my mind I guess, therefore I borrowed them (多和田葉子『容疑者の夜行列車』、春日武彦『自殺帳』.) and went back to my group home.
I started reading the latter one, and remembered my past days. It's, of course, a truly sensitive topic to tell. If you can allow me to write on, then I try to write this. TBH, although now I can have a little bit positive mind in myself, I tend to feel a certain friendly feeling with the idea of letting my life go. As this book tells, maybe sometimes I want to escape from everything (at least, from the gravity of this life.)
In other words - I say this to myself. I can't tell you why I have been still alive like this. I just stay in this world as a guest who enjoys travelling in this world, this life. That's all. Therefore, I choose to live on. In a way, letting go means they had decided to escape from their lives. Then, what kind of heritage can I take on from theirs?