BGM: Original Love - MILLION SECRETS OF JAZZ (U. F. O. Remix)
Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library to borrow R. D. Laing's autobiography "Wisdom, Madness And Folly." And at AEON, I read the first chapter of it. It gave me some pieces of idea. I can remember - once, probably when I was in my 20s, I had read that Laing's "Do You Love Me?" by the influence of a Japanese popular manga artist (and also a popular pop star) Kyoko Okazaki, and also a legendary anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I will buy it tomorrow.
That Laing's book reminded me of my hard, tough childhood. I had to face a certain, huge difficulty to understand the outer world, and other people including my parents. Therefore I couldn't accept this self as a normal one. In other words, I couldn't think/accept myself as a beloved one. And that negative emotion is still alive in me.
Once, when I went to my high school, I found that a box of sweet in the drawer of my desk at there. A love letter was added by it. "I love you." it said so. I wrote my honest feeling to it in return, and added a gift to the person - although the anonymous person didn't show its figure at last. After that event, I found out that I had been "cheated" by someone else, and thought that I should give up any possibility of being loved by anyone anymore.
As a possibility - now I can imagine this. There could be someone who had truly loved me, or at least attracted by me. And so she (or he) gave me that present. But, as a result, something went wrong. Anyway, now I can recall that event as a funny, interesting one. But at that time, it was a little bit "hurting" event for me.
After that the "love letter" incident, I decided not to expect to be loved, and started diving into the sea of books and music with maniac attitude. Indeed, it must be too "ultimate" attitude, but at that period all I could do was that. I still feel a certain slight pain in my mind when I try to recall that event - but, anyway life must go on.