BGM: James - Sometimes
Time flies. It's about seven days since I started reading/writing poems. I'm autistic therefore I have really a troublesome personality that gets bored easily, but it seems that creating poetry might fit me. Today I wrote another poem. I named my poetry blog a title "冰箱", this means "a fridge" in Chinese. My mind/memory is like a fridge, therefore if you open its door, you can find that there are some stuff that has already been expired. I cook those stuff to make some leftovers, and that's my creation of poetry. Yes, it is really a readymade/easy-going one. Recently I have been creating sonnets because they were easy for me to write, but I want to write more. Free verse poems, or Proses, etc... Yes, it's really an instant idea. I couldn't expect that "this year I will start writing my poems (and maybe it will goes long)". Now is the later stage of my life, but could it be my life work? I can't see completely. I just want to enrich my fridge/archive.
Of course, if I did write/output only, it wouldn't last long. It would end soon... so I want to do inputting. Today I borrowed Shuntaro Tanikawa's poems from the library, and after today's work I started reading one of them with Sonny Rollins' jazz. I remember that once I also had an interest in poetry, and read Hisaki Matsuura and Natsuki Ikezawa. What am I doing? An "ordinary" or "normal" 48 years old person won't get into creating poetry like this. But this is my life, so what... It seems that my co-workers and bosses are getting to learn that I am an autistic person, so some of them started showing harm to me. There are some people who show unfriendly attitude and get out when I go to the locker room with them. Indeed, once I had got hurt when I was done that kind of behavior. But today, I thought that "They are just running away from me, that's all". Running away... that's because of their mind, and not my mind. I can't judge/control that so I just have to say "Do what you want/like". And I say that's the final answer. Therefore, I need to do the practice of not caring about that too seriously. How long it lasts... I can't see.
There are some good points of writing poetry (even though my poems are terrible). One of them might be the fact that we can do it "easily", and it won't cost so highly. We don't have to buy any expensive equipment as instruments or cameras. Just we need a pen and some papers. That's the first things we have to cost. We should face the world alone with poetry. "Don't fight it, Feel it". We just grip the outside objects/subjects, and through them we try to find what are coming/flooding from our minds. Writing poems seem like a kind of action like jogging or fishing. Facing myself, or digging our wells in ourselves. What kind of poems other poets are writing? I have to read various countries' poems as China, or other Asian countries... not only European and American poems. I also want to enjoy fresher, more vivid ones within any magazines of poems. I am already 48 as I said, and health check at my workplace says that I need to care my health more. I can't live a "forever young" or "evergreen" life. "The end is coming". That's the fact I have to face. What can I do from now? This life... I threw my 20s and 30s, my young days into a gutter but can I make a great firework from now? Although, It must be a great life even though I can't make anything.
Could I write my dream down actually? What do I want to do... I want to do soon to go to the library to try to find any Chinese poetry books. I want to go to the cafe place near by my group home, and try to show my poems to the staff (Indeed, they would criticize/diss me. I want to welcome them). Can I read my poor poetry by my voice? (do I have to enrich the stock more?). I want to show my reading in the real life/situation, or any podcast... My dream increases. Of course, you may say that "Face the real" and "Try not to dream so much". But I never disturb anyone's life with these dreams, and also want to work steadily. Just with keeping on my life strictly, I try to go to the different way from now little by little. It won't make money, but that's OK. People might criticize my poems terribly, but it's ok. Today, TBH I couldn't write this journal as easily as always because I had an idea that "I am always writing the same truth of mine" and "This won't attract readers". Yes, I have that kind of insight... But today I want to confess my dream/ambition boldly. It might not be able to come true, but I want to live with them, instead of not waiting for the death quietly.
