BGM: 高野寛 - BLUE PERIOD
Today I worked late. This morning I went to the library to borrow Toshiko Watanabe's book about poetry. I was thinking that I would like to borrow Junzaburo Nishiwaki's poem collection, but I saw that there was a book "Poetry Dogs" by Rin Saito on the bookshelf. This title said that it was an interesting one about poetry, so I decided to borrow that. After that, I went to the food court at AEON and tried to find free time to write another sonnet. Suddenly, I thought I would like to write down this poem in a notebook. So I went to the stationary corner to buy a notebook, and decided to write mine in that. Indeed, all I have been writing are just "studies". But I might be able to write a masterpiece. I want to enjoy every day's tiny growth steadily, and also think that now is the "blue period" in my life. In a LINE group, a friend asked me that "How do you find the books to read?". TBH, although I try to reserve the books to read, I often meet the books I want to read by chance. So when I go to the library, I try to think what I will read too seriously. Take it easy. I carry an empty head to there (and also an empty bag).
After that, I read the rest of the Haruki Murakami's "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running". TBH I had treated this book too lightly because I was thinking that this one must be a light essay about jogging/running. But, the more I read, the more I started thinking that this was an important work of him. Yes, it is a diligent memoir, and also the book about his life and philosophy through running itself. Suddenly I thought that Haruki is also an autistic guy, or at least he has a little bit autistic character. Indeed, this might be too rude for him because I am not a doctor. I have never met him so I can't judge that. I am just a idiot reader. But his strict/serious attitude, his strong style tells me that kind of unique character. It leads me to "Everyone can have autistic character" and "Neurotypical people and autistic people are connected on a gradation". Everyone is on a gradation (so we have to consider the problems as ours, not theirs).
But, this is just a speculation. Haruki writes about jogging like this. He always have struggles with the emotion of "I don't want to run anymore" and "I want to stay lazy". But he wins every day against that laziness. He never chooses to walk, just keeps on running. I remember when I was a high school student. At that time, Haruki was already a hero/charisma for me, but I also thought that "Should we train our body/vitality in such a tough way?". I adored to be a holy junkie like Charles Bukowski. I wished that I would got a message from God or Muse, and could write a masterpiece. Now I am thinking if I should try to train myself. How about enjoying walking? Training my body, and living honestly. Of course, the message from heaven wouldn't come to me. It might be an impossible dream. I can't control. But it is an issue of my control to train myself.
This evening, at the break time I rewrote the poem I had written in this morning. My work would work as a "cooling time", so I thought "it is crap" and "I want to make this more rhythmical" by reading it again. I do making it tighter as Haruki does. I drive its screws... Through rewriting it, I can find it becomes greater. Indeed, as I already wrote, all I am writing is just studies. If I keep on writing more and more, they could be the one like my "Howl" (Allen Ginsberg. Of course, they might end as just crap). Can the ones I write be popular? They become money? It is beyond my ability. I choose writing more, and do effort to tighten. It belongs to my will, my effort. I believe so. I quit drinking, try to reading, write my journal and poems following Haruki who works through jogging and writing. I want to go higher little by little like Haruki... Of course, there are many reasons not to write. But I write, even though I can't explain why.
