BGM: Belle And Sebastian "Like Dylan In The Movies"
Today I worked late so had a little time in the morning. But I don't know how I spend the time. What should I do... I thought that I wanted to watch "THIS IS US", which I had stopped watching again. But I couldn't in the end. I want to watch various dramas but can't see what I should watch. I want to watch "Dear White People" and "13 Reasons Why", which had also stopped watching again. I have to watch things by the voice of my mind. I can stop anytime if it isn't good. So I should take it easy. Thinking by my head leads to nothing so I want to move by my inspiration.
At last, I read Shinji Miyadai's movie reviews at AEON this morning. I saw that families came here and enjoyed shopping. Oh, the family... I thought if I had my family. Of course, it is a waste of time because I can never be a good father, but I thought that "Is this life OK?". As a character in "Fist of the North Star" says, I have no regrets in my life. I feel that I might be able to live better or happier. But I don't want to deny this life.
Once I couldn't work like ordinary people. So I couldn't earn enough money. I thought that it was because of my failure. I couldn't be a good father so I had to give up. Before marriage, I could never be in love with someone forever. I couldn't live alone by myself. Now I can accept the fact that I am an autistic person and the environment that someone helps my long life. But once I had blamed myself because I couldn't live like others. I couldn't join in the sameness with others...
How many books I read, how hard I make practice, I am just a part-time worker... I thought so (or I believed so). I couldn't accept this because I was afraid. I declared that I was a "working poor" man on the internet. A barking dog seldom bites... today I talked with a friend in Kyusyu about the movie "American Utopia" I had watched yesterday. It was a wonderful time. If I get satisfied with various things in real, I rarely want to bark on the net. Therefore I might be happy "now".
