2024/04/10 English

Déjà Vu (50th Anniversary Deluxe Edition)

BGM: Senri Oe - APOLLO

I worked late today. This morning I went to AEON as usual and spent the morning time reading a book with truly evergreen music of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. It was a long serial dialogue between a Japanese popular novelist Kiyoshi Shigematsu and a philosopher Shunsuke Tsurumi (重松清 & 鶴見俊輔『ぼくはこう生きている 君はどうか [I live my life in this way, Tell me yours] 』.) It was quite an interesting book.

Reading this dialogue, I was surprised at the fact that their plain, clear words are so easy to understand for me. I've found that their opinions (and their styles of thinking themselves) are trustworthy. This has been strange for me because I have been a true "maverick" guy who doesn't like obeying someone. But, even though their attitudes are not so "great", I can feel that they speak "their truths" which have come from their severe, and unique lives. Yes, they are quite, really "original" and touchy. I have gotten interested in Shigematsu's works, especially his novels. They won't tell me any lie to me.

After that reading, I started enjoying another book. It was the one I had mentioned in this journal, Koji Miyaguchi's "The Outsider Kids Who Can't Cut Cakes Properly [宮口幸治『ケーキの切れない非行少年たち』]", which tells us what kind of struggles the outsider kids (sometimes they are even sent into any "jails") have to experience because of their difficulties within their brains (the limit of recognizing or understanding things.)

As for me, I was also a kind of an "outsider kid" who couldn't stay still in a classroom. Even now, I can't stop moving my body while reading books. You might have noticed that my writings could have messed up content which moves recklessly from here to everywhere, maybe because of autism.

Now I've noticed that both of them seem to have similar content to discuss. They're talking about "the sad outsiders" who must have unique personalities, so have certain handicaps to live on. Should we treat them as a kind of uniqueness, or as an object to be cured by any medicines (for their own, precious happiness?) This is one of the most difficult questions for us I guess.

2024/04/09 English

Level 42

BGM: Level 42 - Leaving Me Now

"Why do you work? If I were you, I would choose not to work anymore - Instead, I live an easy life with welfare." Once, when I was in my 30s, an elder person asked me this seriously. At that time, I could answer nothing properly - even now, I might not be able to do so. Asking about this, I have to go back to this basic point - What does my work afford besides basic payment?

My work has efficient, physical content - walking within my store, carrying heavy items from here to there. Once, when I was a heavy drinker, literally every day I wondered if I could quit this job. With a drunken head, I had dissed anything about my work (my co-workers, my bosses, and more) and "barked out loud" on the internet that I could become a charisma - although I had not done anything actually in my career. It was before I was diagnosed as an autistic one.

Yes, I was an uncool, banal young guy - a huge ambition in my head that stopped me from moving actually (I had been afraid of making silly mistakes so terribly, even though those mistakes must be so great and tender teachers for me.) TBH, at that time, I had adored becoming a pro writer - although I had never written anything.

At 40 (at the age I quit alcohol,) my job coach and I started a trial of collaboration about my job, which was a kind of chance for me to think about how/why I have worked. Of course, I work for money basically - but also, my work practically has built my lifestyle, and also my philosophy. This fact can be an answer to the question I have written above.

Also, I try to imagine - what would happen if I had chosen a hikikomori life? I won't say that lifestyle must be prohibited, but in my case, I would become a terrible daydreamer - who could even chase a certain huge, dreadful daydream without making any effort. I can see that there must be various ways to live better lives. Richer and stronger... But, I say that this life must have also precious content for me.

2024/04/08 English

ジャパニーズ・シングル・コレクション-グレイテスト・ヒッツ- (DVD付)

BGM: Cyndi Lauper - The Goonies 'R' Good Enough

I worked late today. This morning, with R.D.Laing's books "Knots" and "Do You Love Me?", I went to AEON. But I couldn't concentrate on reading them, so just thought about various things and wrote them on the memo pad in English (as usual). For example, I remembered a Japanese bestseller book "The Outsider Kids Who Can't Cut Cakes Properly [宮口幸治『ケーキの切れない非行少年たち』]". This book tells us an important possibility - some "outsider kids" who tend to do brutal things might have serious problems with recognizing this world because of their brains (such as autism etc.) I believe that it is a good, provoking book to discuss education itself.

Even though we see and share the same world, our ways of recognizing it can be different from each other - this is a truth I have learned until now. In other words, my brain must have its uniqueness, as your brain does. That difference is a key for us to understand this reality more deeply, and effectively - that's the meaning of "diversity". Thinking by that point, I looked back at my past days - the school days when I had been treated as a really strange kid (in a way, I was also the kind of kid "who can't cut cakes properly".)

I remember about the 90s - I can't see how the concept of "autism" could be treated in that era actually (I remember Steve Silberman's masterpiece "Neurotribes" which could say that autism was re-evaluated as an important concept.) For me, that period was just really painful/hurtful - one of the most hurtful for me was that it even seemed that I couldn't join any groups/communities (in other words, into any real "relationships" themselves) anymore. That said I must have been a mad person completely.

Oh, what a shame. I even thought that I should live this life by myself alone, not being able to hope for any other people's help anymore - But the times have changed. After that kind of crucifying "blue period", because of some comments from my friends, I started trying to read brain science or philosophical books to learn the ideas of qualia and recognition of this world - OH! At last, today I just thought about this kind of memory, not reading any book. C'est la vie.

2024/04/07 English

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

BGM: Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World

It was a day off today. This morning, I went out of my group home to attend a meeting held by the English study club in my town. We read an English newspaper's article about an educational trial in Kyoto. Although it was a great one to read and discuss deeply, and also was so clear and easy to translate into Japanese, my understanding was rough. Therefore, when I tried to translate it into Japanese and also read that out loud to the other members, I couldn't show mine smoothly. My translation became ambiguous and awkward... I need to learn more.

This afternoon, after a nap, I went to the park near my home to enjoy the scenery full of cherry blossoms. The park was filled with many people, especially various families. The cherry blossoms were incredibly beautiful, therefore while watching them I lost my thought. Suddenly, I thought that all the people in this park would die after one hundred years - as Haruki Murakami wrote in his first novel. Yes, definitely. But, that kind of viewing the life must lose "this" touch/feeling of reality. We are here and also enjoying this moment. All the pleasure we can feel must be because we are alive in this world now, therefore this fact is precious.

After dinner, listening to the movie "The Social Network" soundtrack, I read Edgar Cabanas & Eva Illouz's "Manufacturing Happy Citizens". This book tells us how a kind of modern psychology treats the concept of "happiness", and the explanation is so edgy and spicy. Following this book's discussion, I remembered George Orwell's "1984". In my opinion, both books try to tell us a horrible situation. How could it be if the outer establishments as any governments or companies start to determine the meaning of happiness? How could it be if they start to say that you have to have a certain responsibility for your happiness? It must be YOUR problem, not the politic's issue... if they said so, then?

If this reading is correct, then this book must criticize MY happiness itself. I've been thinking that my happiness is based on my inner, personal mental health issues. Therefore I thought I needed to control my mental condition enough to face the world with a happy mind - I need to keep on asking this more to myself.

2024/04/06 English

ザ・ヴェリー・ベスト・オブ・ドゥービー・ブラザーズ<2016リマスター>

BGM: The Doobie Brothers - What A Fool Believes

While working this morning, I thought about this issue. What can the word "smartness" mean? How can it be described/explained? Once, I had been told by my classmates that I must have been an idiot, a strange "freak". Therefore, I even blamed myself "Why am I so dumb, so stupid as this? Why am I so strange?". That emotion of guilt finally drove me to a certain wish for death.

But, the time has passed certainly - and eventually, my inner child/self has gotten to be proud of myself, even though I have to admit that I am never a genius. At least, for me, many friends of mine are so brilliant that I want to praise them as true geniuses. About me, as I have written this many times, I have just been an ordinary person who loves reading books, and also listening to Jazz music.

Although I am not a genius, I believe that I have a certain freedom of speech, a right to tell my opinion - So I say this. For me, the true, genuine smartness can mean this. It can be "shared" with others - therefore true smartness means an "open" resource to make this world better. At least, that kind of talent shouldn't be used as a tool to beat/defeat someone else by its greatness.

I can't see if I am smart - Should I see that? Whether I am a wise guy or a fool, I do what I believe they're right, and that's enough. You might think I'm lying, but I say a truth of mine - there must be greater people than me, even though they haven't been from any great universities such as Tokyo, Keio, or Waseda. Probably, from the 40-year-old age when I met my friends for the first time, my sense actually has been changed/updated as this.

I remember - a friend of mine must have great smartness, and once when I met her for the first time I even had a certain envy for that talent. What a fool I am! I must learn that her smartness can work hurtfully for her, as my autistic talent actually works terribly for me. Even now, I need to be careful with that blindness/foolishness in me, therefore (as you know!) I am not smart enough to understand other people and/or the real world.

2024/04/05 English

ビバリーヒルズ・コップ オリジナル・サウンドトラック

BGM: Glenn Frey - The Heat Is On

I worked late today. This morning, I read an English article in a newspaper for homework for the English study club. It's about a school's trial lesson and a good one for reading and thinking about. TBH, I have never been interested in having any family (even at this age, 49) therefore I'm still single with no kid. But, looking into myself I can feel a certain will toward the future starts pouring from somewhere in my mind. How could I be if I were younger at the current time?

I remember - when I was young actually, and also more ignorant, I thought that every (yes, literally EVERY) school must be crap because teachers and classmates seemed truly a group of "goats" who had lost free will or initiatives. Of course, this must be wrong - But even now, I have a certain traumatic feeling about the schools I had once attended. Remembering that, I feel that everything has been changing slowly, certainly...

TBH, yesterday I met my mother at my group home. She said that I should have a suit for enjoying outside activities. I told her that my staff and I would discuss that - and thought that my parents must be great people because even from my point of view I must have been a really "difficult" child to bring up. But they have never thrown me away but tried to watch me carefully (even though they could have made mistakes - as I have done so.) Once I hated them, but now I have "respect" emotion to them.

Thinking about these things - I guess that I can never have a family from now, even though everyone's average life can have a length of 100 years. I accept that as a truth. But, as an adult in this community/country, I want to join various activities as commitment trials, and also afford something to activate this one. I can't see the reason why I can have such a tolerant emotion - once I even had an idea that said that every education system must be a form of brainwashing. Maybe that extreme idea came from my depressive mind and traumatic memories - but they were simply past events, and now is a different time. Yes, I should start my life in a brand new way, to live in tomorrow.

2024/04/04 English

By All Means Necessary

BGM: Boogie Down Production - My Philosophy

I've read Shunsuke Tsurumi's "Expectations and remembrances [鶴見俊輔『期待と回想』]" completely, today. I thought that I could "trust" his honesty because I could have sympathy with him. He writes/describes himself as an "outsider/dropout student" when he remembers the past days, and he even confesses how he could have suffered from depression (or even a certain wish for death.) Me, I have also been one who must have been an evil, creepy one. But that's not a conclusion, but a start.

Today, on X, I found an interesting post. It said that "some autistic people can be genius/talented ones who can benefit our society, therefore they (maybe WE) are great!" - Indeed, I can have sympathy with this opinion (I wish I could be such a brilliant one who can afford my gift to this society!) Some "legendary" autistic ones must have shown their talents in this history - Einstein, Steve Jobs, and now, Elon Musk, etc. But, I should be careful about this - I need to show my talent so clearly to get accepted by this society. At least, if I accept this opinion - and I want to DENY this one.

This is JUST my opinion (so, think by yourselves carefully, please) - this kind of opinion must need another opinion as a set I guess - "this society/community should be the same one (can't be changed better, but must be the static one) because you must obey current situation which determines who's genius (and who's not)." Therefore, even though you can become a member of geniuses, you shouldn't change this world better. Yes, you need to think about this.

Therefore, we must be careful about the mechanic idea/thought itself - who's "gifted" and who's "not"? Who's "autistic" and who's "not"? Those ways of dividing ourselves can be rational? I am just an ordinary, not gifted "hentai (I know what this word means because I'm Japanese)" - But I say this. We have to give ourselves each other a certain dignity and intimacy - and ALSO, we have to change this world EVENTUALLY (without dreaming of any unreal, foolish revolution) better - to realize a diversity/neurodiversity-oriented society. This is my conclusion about this issue.