BGM: Eels - Climbing To The Moon
Although I can't write what happened certainly in detail here... this morning, a silly idea/delusion in my mind confused me deeply. I had to struggle with that confusion and almost got mad at my workplace. On the app LINE, I even sent this confused feeling straight to my friends, so they must have gotten confused too. How could I do in such an "emergent" situation for me?
It seems my mind has been working too recklessly/frequently, therefore if that mind starts thinking something wrongly, it can get worse and worse, and finally, I get tired enough and give up anything. That kind of endless vicious circle of negative thinking always makes me sick, and I have to admit that I am not such a strong, mature adult for you. Certainly, I am a weak person with an autistic, messed mind.
But... I decided to show such silly weakness to you recently. How weak I can have been, or how "funny" my life can be because of this hyperactive, too-sensitive brain. I remember (as usual) my miserable college days. I tried to make a group with my friends at that time to enjoy making zines, but I couldn't manage that group with them because I could understand nothing about how to cooperate to solve various problems actually. I was just a tiny, really tiny guy who could never bind that kind of group.
Strangely, the more I show how weak I am in detail in these journals, the more people get attracted to me. I can't understand the reason why completely... Of course, I say thank you for your kindness, and I say to myself "C'est la vie."
This evening, I attended a Zoom meeting with my friends. The host shared us with her memories of what kind of surgery on her eyes she had done. It has been interesting content and I've thought that I need to take care of my eyes, or my health itself, too... After that, after a while, I enjoyed one of the best albums I have experienced in this life, which is Eels' "Electro-Shock Blues". How many times I have enjoyed this marvelous one... The front person of this Eels, E, also shows how he has been struggling in his life, and that honesty has attracted me surely... I've remembered that.
