BGM: Takkyu Ishino - Dream Baby Dream
What does "intelligence" mean? This morning, I thought about this for a while because I couldn't find out what it could be for me. For me, the concept of intelligence seems to be a skill to watch things clearly/precisely without being possessed by biases, and to live this troublesome modern life properly. Then, looking at my life history, I've discovered that there must have been too many "stupid" troubles that still make me itch. Of course, no one can live their life without any trouble, though.
I can't say I am smart... As I have written in these journals, I have to say that I couldn't have understood what love is, or what life is. Once, I thought that every smart person who has a high IQ could understand difficult things smoothly, and also live their life without any silly trouble. But now I think that such a smart, or perfect guy doesn't exist anywhere. I remember... once, I had met a person who had a high IQ. I had an emotion of one-sided love toward her. After that meeting, however, I have learned that her smartness/character certainly has hurt her. Oh my! I needed to learn how human beings can be.
Although I have never thought I was smart, maybe I can say that my body might be smart because it always satisfies my expectations when I start working. Also, my unknown hunch/unconsciousness can be smart because it always leads me to the books I must read at that time... This afternoon, I read a Japanese smart critic Kojin Karatani's early essays, which have afforded me a lot of truths I should learn.
This evening, I attended the "danshu" meeting, where I shared with the other members about the traumatic memory of my first love. I remember... once when I was a teenager, I adored the drinking habit because TV commercials had shown how it could be cool. After I reached my 20s, I started drinking actually and found that it was not tasty. At least, they have never satisfied my taste. At that period I had strictly believed that I had never had any valuable things within me, and also I, myself, must not have had any value. Even though I have spent 9 years with a sober mind, even for me alcohol has been a symbol of an ultimately endless, harmfully boring life that has no exit door to go out.
