BGM: The Who - The Kids Are Alright
How do they (other people) think about me? What kind of impression does everyone have to me? Once, during the teenage period, I had been suffered from this kind of really sick idea - an illness from the over self-consciousness. How can I trust other ones as friends/partners? Thinking about this, I have to face how doubtful I have been since I was a kid.
Yes - although it must sound a kind of looping logic, when I was a kid, I had been really hated by almost any other kids. Probably because I had been thinking I must have been hated by anyone else. And, as you know, the person who has been thinking they must have been hated tends to show their unfriendly/cold attitude, therefore other people start hating them. In short, if I can't trust anyone, then the "anyone" starts hating me. QED.
Sorry, I tried kidding. But, this looping logic can't be treated as a nonsense for me. Now, even though I can't say I am alright even you say you hate me, I say I might be alright if 10 percent people love (or simply accept) my strangeness/character. About this, I remind of Haruki Murakami's attitude/opinion, who says "I won't care even though not everyone loves me." Yes, I have been influenced by Haruki - even though I needed to understand this by my instinct.
As I have written in this journal, once I had become a kind of public enemy/trickster. It must have been from the fact that I had been terribly hated/bullied. If I tried to survive/adopt myself within such a crazy/foolish atmosphere, I simply needed to become a kind of fool/crown like Shakespeare's plays. Yes, I had done a lot of foolish/stupid reactions/responses to my classmates, weeping certainly within my mind.
And now - I am certainly from that serious/stupid loop of self consciousness. But why? Why am I free from that sickness once looped within my mind as a kind of curse? Definitely, this has been from the trials of errors I have done. SORRY! I need to think about this with spending my time more and more (this can also tell you how I have been able to become this kind of "funky guy".)