BGM: George Michael - Faith
I worked late today. I went to the library and borrowed a book "Nonbinary". It seems that this book tells me about an important concept. In this "diversity" era, I need to learn that idea/concept of "nonbinary" from various sources as that book. I am male (physically/mentally,) and I have never had any trouble about that kind of my own identity. Therefore I should try to listen to the voices from those "nonbinary" people who have chosen that identity. Yes, as carefully as possible.
This morning, I couldn't do anything creative/productive - Maybe because the weather was not fine. Once when I was a heavy drinker, and also a kind of really lonely daydreamer, I had been haunted by a crazy obsession. That obsession had been saying to me that I must keep on doing something artistic, something happy at anywhere, any moment... Like Radiohead's song "Fitter, Happier", I had been controlled/trapped by a certain mental/inner pressure.
But now, have I been free from that kind of the stupid obsession? I can't see, but now I can tell you that I can see the things in my life from various aspects (at least, I "am trying to" do so.) For example, when I was a heavy drinker, I had drunk alcohol really wastefully in vain. But that miserable experience had actually/certainly build this point of view as a brick of the base. So I might be able to say that those drunken days have not been completely a waste of time. Oh, it seems like a kind of Zen philosophy (禅).
However, I have to admit this. Now I can think about myself, or my life softly/flexibly like this. But I also want to say that I have not been able to come here, arrive this state of mind by myself alone. By here, I have kept on trying to tell my story, my truths to others at various occasions as meetings/discussions. For example, the self-help group I have belonged to, the English conversation class, the "danshu" meeting (断酒会). Yes, like that I have tried to accept the important (although not happy) fact about me. Alcoholic, autistic, and so. Now I can't imagine if I weren't alcoholic and autistic, though I once had imagined so all the time.
