BGM: Daryl Hall & John Oates - Private Eyes
Listening to Daryl Hall and John Oates randomly, I read Yoshio Kataoka's "Life of Words". Kataoka tries to find the real figures of the words (the ones I am also certainly the user of them) which are filled in this world, and think about them referring to his experience of life. For example, a lot of "katakana words", Japanese English, dead words, and traditional words, etc. I also like to think about words, so his discussions are interesting to read. I learned how the Japanese language "eats" various foreign words and concept easily, and puts them as the Japanese (the result of this phenomenon is the scene of Japanese society that is full of "katakana") from his writings. However, I can't stop used those words. Even if people point out that there is a word to describe Twitter and Facebook as "social media", I would use the Japanese English "social networking service (often shorten as SNS)" in the area of Japanese language.
Today I worked early. This morning, I prepared for today's work with Lloyd Cole's love songs. Suddenly, writing my notes of these things (about the books I read, music I enjoy, and the things in my mind, etc.) I thought that, "why do I write my memos in English?". If I try to answer this seriously, it becomes that "it suits my nature". It never means that I am smarter than anyone (this is the true opinion of mine). I heard that people can be divided as two types as thinking in Japanese way or doing in English way, and I am born as the latter person by chance. That's all I think. Once I went to Tokyu Hands when this corona panic just started, and bought the memo pad I am still using, then it "suit" me, so I can keep on writing. It's the simple fact.
Indeed, I have been writing my bad memories and complaints in this diary, and today I also thought that "I am the person who can never be someone. I am that type" at lunch break. Quoting Haruki Murakami's famous wording, I would say it as "eggs" of "Of Walls and Eggs". I have had a difficulty to live this life. When I was a teenager, I felt that I was caught fully by a nightmare. A closed situation as Tears For Fears's song as "Mad World", so I just spent that period with Haruki Murakami's novels. At that time, I believed somewhere in my mind that I could be happy if I went to a university, or Tokyo. But, after entering the university, I started having an emptiness that crucified me and made me think, "what on earth I want to do?". I experienced the change from living in the countryside to Tokyo suddenly, and that change was too hard for me because I was weak and also autistic, in other words, having a serious hardship. Holding big depression, I stayed on the bed in my apartment. And after that, I experienced a lot of troubles... but I survived like this.
A Japanese musician, Motoharu Sano, influenced me to listen to Hall and Oates's music, and it suits my feeling well right now. There is still unknown music for me. There are various things that are listed up on the one lineup flatly, and I choose my favorite things freely. I listened to Sonny Rollins yesterday, but today I choose TOTO to enjoy. That's my real life. At the library I choose Yoshio Kataoka like today, and also have an interest in Raymond Carver. What things are contained and "mixed" in my head? I don't care in its history. I just ignore the roots or tradition. Likewise, I just choose what I want, that's my. Today I also read books, listen to music, and "bar-f-out" my thoughts like this. I am basically "hybrid", so I can never be any writers' fan or any ideology's believer, and I never want to become them. I live on and on.
