2024/04/17 English

魂の叫び　(RATTLE AND HUM)

BGM: The Beatles - Helter Skelter

It was a day off today. This morning, I went to a library as usual to borrow some books. In front of that library, suddenly I thought this. As you see, I have read plenty of books throughout my life. Why have I needed such many books? Thinking about this, I reached a possibility. In a way, I have already become the mad one who just hasn't been separated from this society - You may say this must be ridiculous, but for me, this is a serious issue. Am I mad?

I need to go back to the most primal point. How can we distinguish between saneness and madness? How can I judge myself as sane or mad? And, if I have already been mad, could I get a certain normality again to become a good person? Thinking about this, I remember some marvelous/vivid books I have read. Bret Easton Ellis's "American Psycho", Haruki Murakami's "Norwegian Wood", etc.

As I have written in this, I was treated as a mad guy at school among classmates when I was young. A creep who enjoys too minor books and music... About this topic, I go back to this opinion. That's this: TBH, crazy is this society itself (Shinji Miyadai, one of the most notorious sociologists who once very influenced my style of thinking, says that "this society is simply SHIT") therefore we must try to keep our sane. Or, we must maintain our illness every day enough not to become fatally crazy outsiders who could have lost their sane completely.

This afternoon, I went to this city's main office. Where a friend of mine has been doing an interesting exhibition, the "NAKAMA Exhibition". NAKAMA is a Japanese word that describes "mate(s)". As I have written above, once I was bullied as a mad student, therefore, I could trust nobody as a mate. Now, I have a lot of mates on the internet and also my real relationship.

By enjoying this exhibition (about 20 paintings are displayed), I reached this idea. These paintings must be the ones from every creator's imagination's reflection - in a way, these are every painter's reality (the world in their senses). What rich imagination movements! Although this must sound rude, maybe we can represent our lovely madness in this kind of creative way.

2024/04/16 English

Becoming X

BGM: Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground

I worked early today. This morning, I told my serious doubts about my co-workers to my job coach on LINE. She answered me soon "Let's think about that together". By reading that message, I could feel a clear, strong power in my mind. But, this is a strange fact though, I reached a primal question. Why can I trust this job coach, not my co-workers? She could tell a lie like "he is an idiot" etc.

What if I asked "Do you hate me?" to my friends? How would they answer? Once, I had tried to find out any single possibility of being hated by anyone else, even though they said they were my friends. Even they would say "I trust you. I like you completely!", at that period I had been possessed by a seriously suspicious mind, therefore, I would think it must be a lie. In a way, I was in a really confused maze in my mind.

About this kind of topic, I remember R.D.Laing's evergreen one "Do You Love Me?". In that classic, Laing tells us the true sadness of this distrust for anyone. If they get into that maze, probably no one's word will enter their minds to open... then, in my case (according to my personal life history), how could I get out of that maze?

I can't see the reason why I could have been out of that maze, and also I can trust my job coach even though she could tell a lie... Thinking about this topic, I remember Radiohead's banger "My Iron Lung" as "Faith, You're driving me away". Yes, our minds are invisible, and also they can change easily as my mind does (especially, this mind is like liquid which must not have any clear shape to capture). I remember Ludwig Wittgenstein's discussions of our minds.

So, now all I can say about this is this. I trust not only so-called verbal communication which consists of our clear words, but trust my hunch in my mind even though it won't show any clear evidence. Why can I do that miracle action? Because I have experienced a lot of events with that job coach, and also my friends. Also, the books and music I have enjoyed have trained my hunch... sorry, it can be too abstract.

2024/04/15 English

Beaucoup Fish (Remastered)

BGM: Underworld - Bruce Lee

I worked late today. This morning, I opened Spotify on my smartphone and listened to John Scofield's songs as usual. Then, suddenly I had this simple question. "Is this the music I want to listen to exactly at this moment? I chose to listen to John Scofield by my will, or it was chosen to be enjoyed by my smartphone's suggestion?" In other words, for me, that choice was so automatic.

Of course, that kind of automatic thinking is not strange. As for me, I might be too "brainy" person to live this life easily therefore I often have to stop moving forward actually, instead, start thinking about various things too deeply. But, although I can't see what you would think about this, my thoughts can't work/develop so flexibly because of this autistic character (I guess) that they often provide me stubborn conclusions such as "Death penalty must be prohibited", "We need to try to have dialogues with terrorists", and so on.

Although it has been too profound and complicated for me to understand enough, about this topic I remember Theodor Adorno's book "Minima Moralia". According to my understanding, one of his opinions might be (of course, this is just my opinion) this - "It is really what you want?". For example, on X, I tend to write my opinions such as "No Nukes" or "We must treat diversity as a precious one". But, I need to go back to this basic point. Is that my "bloody" truth from my experiences? Or is that from automatic thinking?

After thinking about this (as I have written above), I started reading Kumiko Sugano's "The Solitary Death Country [菅野久美子『孤独死大国』]". As you see, I am just an "amateur" reader who doesn't have any special, "professional" knowledge in my brain. So I can only tell my personal opinion from my experiences... Once I had been isolated from any relationships within schools and my region because of this strange character, I couldn't believe that the opinions that say connections among us can be precious. This book tells me how precious the connections within/among our society are... But of course, I need to read this book by throwing my bias away as hard as possible, and trying to have an innocent mind to enjoy this book steadily.

2024/04/14 English

The Queen is Dead

BGM: The Aristocrats - Bad Asteroid

I worked early today. This morning, during my work, I thought about this question. "Why do I read books? What roles do they do for me?" In other words, are books basically true friends (like my real friends), or are they pots full of ideologies I must copy completely?

As for me, through this life, I had to experience plenty of traumatic events. My classmates taught me that I must have been wrong completely because I was crazy for them, even though from my viewpoint they were strange to me. I even thought "Why can they believe in such foolish things as common sense? (For example, why can they love such banal arts as their favorites?) And, whether they can trust their tastes or not, why can't they allow me to love my tastes as they do? Shouldn't I have the right to declare what things I am loving actually?

When I was young and soft enough, I tried to obey/follow others' "common" senses. As a result, I could have learned some of their beliefs because simply I found I had been wrong (without any irony, I write this because I want to say I am just imperfect). But, about certain things as the taste of music or books, in me, something remained as mosses on the surface of the stone.

During that sad/lonely period as hell, only books and music were true friends for me which faced me honestly/sincerely. Other classmates always taught me I must have been wrong, therefore as the first step of reading books, I asked two questions myself, "Why can I be wrong? What things can I learn from this book to become a better person?" and "Why can they be wrong? What things can I keep my beliefs/opinions stronger than them?"

Those two questions are still the ones I try to keep on asking me even now... By asking those, I try to stand out from the bias in me. And it is one of the important purposes for me to keep on reading books. Through that trial, reading books affords me many vivid chances of noticing something important. And, although this must sound too "bigmouth", I say the strength/intensity of my thinking is getting stronger because of my serial readings every day... What do you think?

2024/04/13 English

100th Window

BGM: Massive Attack - What Your Soul Sings

I worked early today. Just before I started working this morning, I felt in a terrible mood, which was just like my inner voice was saying "You should die soon". Although that event is usual, I still can't get used to it... But as for me, that is not the problem exactly. This happens because my mind has been distorted/tortured by the traumatic memories. Therefore I have to face my wounded inner child from now for a certain long time to cure it.

Suddenly, I thought this. Can I "correct" that stubborn, distorted recognition in a better way? Can I make my systematic/automatic ways of thinking into a better one? Thinking about this, I remembered that there is a tool that can reform my thoughts which must be limited/bent by the bias in me (in Japanese, we say it as "Kogutore [コグトレ]".) I need to google this more.

For example, I still hear various virtual/subliminal voices that try to make me confused (as I have written above, they certainly drive me to death). Yes, they work as a destructive/self-hurting essence in me. I remember the voices... they say to me "You should die", etc. Or, I often feel that other people stare at me with a really cold attitude as enemies (but I can't find any evidence, instead, I just feel that they seem to be unfriendly to me). Those recognitions from the bias in me always let me down.

Once, I had tried to cure this wounded mind with drugs, especially strong spiritual painkillers. But (although all I can suggest is just only a possibility) maybe every problem comes from my distorted recognition, my point of view itself. If so, even though it must need a long time to correct eventually (slowly, slowly...), there can be a piece of hope that says I can be free from this wish to collapse my life itself. But one question... is it truly a good thing for me to cure/correct my bias if that bias can work for me as a booster of these philosophical, deep thoughts?

This evening, after coming back to my group home, I read the rest of Genichiro Takahashi's "DJ Hirohito" [高橋源一郎『DJヒロヒト』]. The author Takahashi must be a brilliant DJ who can make a huge, marvelous mix from plenty of classical books as sources.

2024/04/12 English

ダブル・ファンタジー

2024/04/12 BGM: John Lennon - Imagine

This morning, I attended a meeting on ZOOM. We talked about job interviews and job-hunting experiences. A woman from America taught us her story. According to her, now the interviewee can't ask others any "private" questions such as "Do you want to get married in the future?" or "Do you want to have your kid?" etc. After that, we talked about the Japanese environment of job hunting. At least in Japan, we still have to endure various phenomena from the inequality between men and women.

On this topic, I have to look back at this fact - I'm male and heterosexual, so have been attracted to women. From this viewpoint, various things can have been hidden. For example, I can walk out at night alone safely (at least, I have never encountered any dangerous event until now). But, if I were a woman? Could I walk out on the street or enjoy shopping at any stores alone?

Thinking about these things, I have to go back to this basic point - Probably because I'm male, I can have been free from any sex crime such as molesters or other kinds of perverts - Besides that, maybe my life's quality itself might have been better than women's ones because of this sex (or simply, because the fact I have the "male" organ). When I was a college student (around 20), I tried to read plenty of "bubbly" philosophical books which taught me quite catchy opinions such as "A person can have multiple identities" and "You can throw away your identity/sexuality to become a strong, liberated existence".

This afternoon, with that idea, I went to the library and borrowed Chizuko Ueno's book "Sexually-excited Equipment [上野千鶴子『発情装置』]". Although this author's works are quite popular in Japan (in a way, she is one of the most "notoriously" greatest feminists), I have never read her so decided to read any single book, and want to start learning how feminism has been getting along with our society.

This evening, I read the rest of Genichiro Takahashi's mega-novel "DJ Hirohito [高橋源一郎『DJヒロヒト』]" until the beginning of the fourth chapter, and thought this. What is the ideology I have believed by now? What is the core of my ideas? In other words, why can I have survived until now? What is the thing I can't lose? Oh, I can't write about this topic anymore because I have already written too long.

2024/04/11 English

懐かしい宇宙

BGM: Akino Arai - 懐かしい宇宙

This morning, I enjoyed a meeting on Zoom as usual. Today's topic was about reviewing something/someone anonymously (in other words, whether you can trust various anonymous reviews on Amazon or social media.) Of course, that kind of anonymous attitude can mean throwing one's precious responsibility away. But, that attitude can also save one's precious life, too. Therefore there must be a dilemma for us about this issue, even though in this era various people seem to enjoy disrespecting a lot of "current" things anonymously to kill time only (on X, a Japanese notorious "5ch", etc.)

As a morning activity of mine, I tried to think about how I recognize everything. I see the outside world and also think about myself inside this body... Although my ability to recognize (see and think) things must have its limit (Yes, I am an imperfect human being,) I tend to think that I can see and think clearly - and others can do so, too. Then, how can I think/imagine the things "beyond" the limit of imagination/thought? Should I choose not to say anything more about this(as Wittgenstein taught us in his early masterpiece?) Certainly, I felt my aged grey brain started melting like hot chocolate.

This afternoon, I went to a library and borrowed the book I had been interested in reading (Genichiro Takahashi's "DJ Hirohito" [高橋源一郎『DJヒロヒト』].) I went to the main house of my group home and met a city officer for research. She said that 3 years ago this city had done the same research together. Oh, it could be during the horrible pandemic... At that time, we had to give up various activities in this town. The English conversation class, outdoor activities like parties and festivals, etc... Time flies, and our lives change.

After that research, I just read "DJ Hirohito" until the end of the first chapter. It seems like a very flat or plain product like the Chat-GPT's creation. Caution! I have written, "It SEEMS like". Reading this novel, I can see eventually that this long novel must be like a melting pot of this great author's very rich knowledge (especially from this Japan's history and literature), his complicated life experiences, and also his liberated imagination beyond borders/walls of genres.