I worked late today. This morning, I started reading the rest of Ocean Vuong's "On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous," but I couldn't get into this book well. Of course, this book is fascinating, so I can't see why I have this feeling. Maybe this came from the raining scene outside. Yes, those things can come from somewhere.
When I can't get into any books, like the main character of Haruki's early work "Pinball, 1973", I start talking to myself quietly with my memo pad (I also start writing several pieces/fragments of my ideas in English.) In other words, I talk to myself (self-monologue) to vent out my inner thoughts (literally the crap, the clouds of dust in my mind.) But, today the other self in me didn't answer to me anything. Therefore, I had to give up anything.
What is happiness for me? Having a break during my work, I thought about this. TBH, as you can see this really, so clearly - I am NEVER any strong, successful, pretty perfect person. I can say this almost infinitely. But, now I start feeling a certain, slight sympathy with such a tiny self with an attitude of giving up. Once, maybe because I had been bullied, and also been forced to live a hard period for so long, therefore a clear, strong obsession had been in me. I must become stronger - like that.
Maybe that could be fine - because some people would call it an ambition. Yes, maybe... But that obsession with becoming successful had sickened/driven me almost crazy enough to get mad. After that... through encountering my current friends/mates actually in real life, I have started various trials and errors. Those shameful actions have built this myself.
Now, I can enjoy learning English steadily in my daily life. I attend the morning meeting on Zoom almost every day and also enjoy communicating with various friends in English on WhatsApp, Discord, and MeWe... That must be a clear, crisp shape of happiness I can touch with these fingers. And now, I start thinking that I want to work with others by using this skill and interest in English - maybe as a teacher or a writer like this.
