BGM: 豊田道倫 - 新宿
I always write this journal by reading my English memos every day. Now, I read them and find I had written like this. "About a concept, an illusion, 'LOVE'." Yes, I had thought that LOVE could be an illusion (at least, yesterday I could think so.) Although it must be so abstract, and also so unreal to me, I think it is interesting - and I look back at my painful days.
Once, when I was my teenage period, I couldn't have been love with anyone else. Yes, basically when I was a kid, I had been bullied (or at least hated terribly) so couldn't experience any "sweet first love." Therefore I had tried to read various books to find why I couldn't enjoy any love/romance so straightly (at that time, I hadn't be able to see that kind of trauma had disturbed me to get into that sweetness, although my nature had kept on whispering to do so.)
Yes - the books I had read taught me like this. Love is simply, basically a fiction human being has made. Love is a product Western culture had made, and that concept/delusion drove various people crazy as Flaubert's novel "Madame Bovary" has taught. And in Japan, that Love is just a "souvenir" from that foreign culture - Indeed, NOW I can see that must be a really funny, and also just silly logic's production. But at that time, this kind of idea was a salvation for me.
And... when I was 40, I met a really smart woman and got into a love with her (although it was just a "one side" one.) Now, I can see why I couldn't love anyone easily like my friends - As I had written above, my traumatic days has disturbed me to follow my nature/desire straightly/honestly.
Now, that woman and I are still friends. Recently, I can understand the word/concept Love's true meaning as my own way. It must be (at least, in my opinion) a key to become tender/tolerant to someone else. Accept someone else, and hug them... Why on earth had I thought about such a complicated, difficult idea? I can't see - maybe, it was possible because a cold wave has come to this country. That kind of things can happen to our daily life.