BGM: Manic Street Preachers - Nobody Loves You
This morning, I woke up at 4 (yes, I have still been suffered from insomnia). I started writing my journal as usual, and also talked about the recent interests I have had in myself with a friend on Discord. About Heidegger and Wittgenstein, and also the relationship between emotion and critical thinking (in other words, the relationship between the senses and my brain itself). I have been attracted by various enigmas in this world as "why/how am I being in this world?" and "why/how does this world exist as this?". But, through the conversation I thought of questioning why I am having such a complicated inner self. After the chatting, I googled and found that R. D. Laing's books ("Do You Love Me?" etc) would afford me some good advices about this. I will buy them.
Today I worked early, and at the lunchtime I recalled my past days as usual. "Before meeting my job coach" era. How had been the period for me? Now, I can't remember that terrible era well. I should recall the yesterday's "danshu" meeting, at where I had said to the other members about my miserable memory. I even had wished this world should end, or my parents - no, I should die as soon as possible. But, even though the reason was completely unknown, I started quitting alcohol and trying to live a new life which has led to the current state.
During my work, I remembered one event I had in my life. Once, I had thought that there could be nothing I could do anymore, and therefore no hope in the future - I had thought so, and felt really depressed. But, I went to Himeji to watch an independent movie to try to refresh my mood. The movie was really abstract, and experimental. It let me think a lot of pieces of ideas. And, suddenly, during being soaked in my thoughts of those pieces of ideas, I found out "Oh, I can still keep on thinking various things like this! There must be an energic emotional engine in me!".
Yes, I will keep on thinking something as this until the end of this life. C'est la vie.