BGM: Senri Oe - 贅沢なペイン
A friend of mine on Facebook offered me to write an essay about an illness, and I'm thinking about that. Surely, it's an interesting theme for me because my life has been also a history of struggling with various illness. As a clear fact, I am born as an autistic person, and also having a mental illness within me (probably it's called depression). Besides that, I have to think about other people's attitude toward various illness. Covid-19, cancer, and more... But I need to keep a certain patience to write because it must need a long time to write.
Today, I went to this city's hospital to see my doctor to talk about my autism. Oh, this "hospitalized" life... I can remember why I started "using" hospitals to treat my mental diseases. At first, I had thought that I must need some medicines only to live this life happily. In other words, I had not felt that I should change my "mind" or my "attitude" in my daily life practically. Medicines will uplift my mind as some drugs, and it will bring me back to the "normal" and "healthy" life... I had believed so. How optimistic!
And... when I was 33, I was diagnosed that I am autistic. Literally, I found that I can't live the "normal" life as any neurotypical people anymore... It was certainly an unhappy event for me. But, the time has been changing steadily. Now, TBH I feel that autism is a "piece" of my identity as "being a bookaholic" or "being a philosopher-wannabe" (I can "confess" more about controversial things, but... I believe you already know what I want to say!).
I never say I am a diligent reader of various great philosophers as Gille Deuleuze. But they taught me that I can have "many" or "multiple" identity/identities which can be changed smoothly as a certain liquid. I am a Japanese who is learning English, a Haruki Murakami lover, and more... Indeed, I am still feeling a hardship of living this life. But as a fact, I am not lonely. Because YOU (yes, YOU!) are with me :-)