I worked early today. TBH, this morning I couldn't sleep well (I just had done for about 3 hours. I should have taken more sleeping pills). So, during the morning, I couldn't feel well about doing anything (yes, literally, I had no motivation at all, like
a car with no gasoline). I even thought that I could run away from this workplace, or even from this town... Or, worse, I even wished I could die (now, I'm alright, so no worries).
Why am I still living? Why do I choose to live? This morning, probably because of the shortage of sleep, all I could think of were these really terrible ideas. Sorry if it sounds too sensitive, but basically (maybe as this serial journal would tell you about this already), I'm so negative/pessimistic that my ideas ALWAYS tend to go around this sort of wish for death like a satellite goes around a planet.
When I was a high school student, a popular Japanese columnist Wataru Tsurumi published a dangerous, provocative manual for committing suicide (鶴見済『完全自殺マニュアル』). At that period, I was already "haunted" by that sort of desperate idea (I should have gone to any trustworthy doctors to consult about this issue). So, actually I bought the manual. However, at that teenage era, somewhere in my mind I had an alternative idea/dream, which said I could get better if I could enter any university (because it meant that the environment around me would be changed drastically). Yes, everything was "before" the era of being diagnosed as autistic.
Why shouldn't I commit suicide? TBH, I can't afford any "actual" answers to this ultimately difficult question. But now, I'm thinking that I am not the one who can judge whether I should live or die. Instead, even though this must sound too occult or irrational, maybe something in me (my body, my instinct, or my unconsciousness... anything that I can't verbalize) chooses to let me live more and more. Sorry! Today I've written too absurd or simply completely nonsense stuff.
After today's work, I had dinner. At 7:30 p.m., I joined the weekly Zoom meeting with my friends. We discussed how difficult it is even for us (Japanese native speakers) to use "easy" and "plain" Japanese to deliver our wills to others. It was a pleasant time.
