I worked early today. This morning, at the daily English Zoom meeting we shared each one's resolution for this year (finally, I have decided to try reading Souseki Natsume's works during this year). After that, I started my work. During my morning work, I thought about a certain, enormous rage that once had possessed me completely. It reminded me of a favorite song of mine, Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." in which the main character wonders in their town with a desperate anger with nothing to do, literally nowhere to go.
However, even now I can't tell why I was so angry at that time. Indeed, there could have been some possible reasons such as I had to live so poorly even though I had not done anything wrong intentionally. Also, I had to live a single life without any possibility of romance. Also, there seemed to be no expectation of success for me (although, NOW I can admit with embarrassment that I could have made no effort to get that sort of success).
Absolutely, I was just a terrible, miserable heavy drinker who had strictly believed that I hadn't been able to do anything because I had been haunted by the bias which said "You're just a waste in this world". Even though I had a secret, sad ambition to become an author like Haruki Murakami and Paul Auster, I could have written nothing completely (even, I could have never written only one line!).
Under that possession/obsession, especially in my 30s, I just spent my leisure time with Twitter to defeat other users. In Japanese, there is an interesting word "resuba [レスバ]", which might be a shortened word for "response battle". Yes, as I have written, I was possessed by the rage toward something invisible (this fate which has made me an autistic guy? The political situation in Japan?) and spent my time in vain.
However, FROM THE CURRENT PLACE (I mean, this moment when I am living in a group home, having many friends, and also have gotten a certain self-esteem), I can write this sort of bold thing. I am now thinking about what kind of advice I could afford in that isolated, very "mad" time, even though I would choose not to say anything to myself because it could spoil me a lot (Yes, I need to remember we need to draw certain "boundaries").
