I had a day off today. This morning, after the daily English meeting on Zoom, I went to the library. Recently, a horrible murder case happened in this Japan, and a friend on Discord sent me a message about that. That made me want to explore more, so I borrowed Matthew Williams's "The Science of Hate" again. After that, I went to AEON to have a morning activity of mine as usual.
However, even though I tried to think about various things as efficiently as I could, all I could find was totally nothing. Even worse, the more I tried to explore what I was thinking, the more I felt bad and even started thinking "When will my heart stop beating? Why on earth isn't it RIGHT NOW?" (Oh, sounds like any Kafka's, Camus's, or Fernando Pessoa's notes!). That obsession almost drove me mad, so I quit thinking anymore, and instead, went back to my room.
After having lunch and taking a nap (strangely, although I had such a serious obsession, I could have this routine nap time), I went to the main house of my group home to see the sub-admin, and we talked about several topics. After that, even though I still felt bad, I posted fragmental messages on the new Japanese social media, mixi2. For example, Is philosophical work (at least, MY work) a sort of solo work? Or can it reach someone as any collaboration? I guess both can be correct. I explore my depth somewhere and grip something. After that, I try to verbalize that with someone to improve it more. That's the meaning of philosophy.
One of the Japanese philosophers (Yoshimichi Nakajima [中島義道]) said that in this world there can be "patients" who suffer from philosophy as their illness [哲学病]. Then, I must have a heavy illness of it... As I have mentioned, I tend to try to find meanings in such precise things as "Why can I move this finger to type these words?". Maybe, therefore, once I tried to feel a sublime moment (so-called ecstasy) to forget everything completely. But now, I have been able to love this illness eventually.
This evening, I opened Sartre's masterpiece "Nausea" to enjoy, but soon felt tired (couldn't stop yawning. Of course, not because of its content). Therefore, I woke up completely and felt the "futon [布団]" afforded me warmth. Strangely, in that "futon", I felt my mind was being melted and even disappeared as an instant ecstasy without fear... C'est la vie.
