I remember... "Before" that memorable, notorious coronavirus pandemic, and also the era we hadn't used Zoom or any other media that enabled us to connect remotely as often as now, I had difficulty finding English speakers to practice improving my speaking skills. Of course, I already had my smartphone. Also, I used actually some apps such as LINE and clubhouse, but "after" that pandemic period when I started using Zoom in my daily life so often, I started enjoying English meetings such as the daily Zoom meeting I enjoy. I'm feeling very, honestly thankful for the members' efforts.
This morning, I thought about how I could have eventually learned (or accepted) the true size of this myself, maybe because during the morning working time I suddenly remembered the U2's great song "Numb", which has this line "Too Much is Not Enough". As an alcohol-addicted person, I can tell this feeling. Even though I quit drinking alcohol, I have had to struggle with trying to learn how to satisfy with my true size. I am not perfect, and having a very narrow, limited sort of possibility/talent. That's life. However, even now I find that there can still be something that searches for attractive/lovely things such as young ladies or the smell of money.
I learned the so-called seven guilts/sins people tend to have from David Fincher's brilliant movie "Seven". I remember that there is a sin of being "greedy", which means not trying to get satisfied with what I have already had, but still trying to get anything (or literally "rob" it) with unlimited desire in me. Yes, that must be an unhappy endless trial. How can I be satisfied with my treasures (I mean, what I already own in my room or my head)? I kept on thinking about this.
Besides such serious jealousy for material things in me (therefore, even now, I feel envy for rich people, even though they must be smarter or have worked harder), there must be a sort of unfinished spiritual jealousy I can feel. For example, more fluent skills in English than me or more handsome looking than me, etc. It must be difficult for me to accept the true myself... However, when I restarted learning English at 40 years old (10 years ago), I must have been just a coward who couldn't speak anything in public, even though other members allowed me to use Japanese. Then, my skills have been improved bit by bit, and I just tend to forget that fact so carelessly.
