I had a day off today. This morning, I couldn't sleep well, even though the reason was unknown. Therefore, I decided to quit the tasks I should do today completely, and stay loose to ease my body and mind from the bottom. I attended the English Zoom meeting, and after that, I went to AEON and started thinking about various things as usual with Shunsuke Sugita's book "What Does 'Decency' Mean For Men As Majority [杉田俊介『マジョリティ男性にとってまっとうさとは何か』]".
As I've written in these serial journals, recently I've been thinking about the so-called "incel" or "some creepy, weak men [弱者男性]" in Japan, because at least I am one of them. I've gotten very confused by this compact book because it tells me that NOW there must be plenty of forms of sexualities or desires toward someone (so-called love).
About love (and more "adult" relationships), I tend to go back to the basic point. I am male and have a throbbing gristle between my legs (you know what I mean I believe). "IT" keeps moving me, or even controlling me forward as a male, even though my brain or rational-thinking part declares that I am not an animal but a human being who keeps trying to act as gently as possible. In other words, without concern about this very "childish" or "animal-like" essence, I can't start thinking about feminism or love itself I guess.
Besides that masculine gristle that I'm having... For example, by looking at any mirrors I find that a very uncool guy exists in this world, who hasn't achieved anything glorious yet (as Sugita's book tells). However, even though accepting that uncool fact or the real figure of myself must be very difficult, I need to approve of myself as a tough survivor.
Then, what kind of identity should I have in me? For example, as I have written above, I am male and, in a way, I have been "pressing" any woman because of the goodness I'm actually enjoying. However, in fact, in this world staying masculine requires a tough attitude even after this "MeToo" era. Also, I'm autistic, Japanese, learning English like this, etc... by looking at these facts, I find that there must be a cluster of chaos/confusion in me. Yes, a total "unified" self must be an illusion I guess... maybe.
