I worked early today, and this morning I enjoyed playing various songs remembering from my memory during working time, especially one of my favorite Japanese bands, Fishmans. Suddenly, I remembered one event I experienced. When I was a junior high school student, even though I can't remember why, anyway I cried a lot in public at that time (someone bullied me so terribly?) and a teacher told me one-on-one in a room "Okay, but you shouldn't cry in public".
I won't blame that teacher from this diverse age's point of view. Yes, once I had to go through (or try to survive) such a severe age without showing tears in public under the hard pressure because I had to stay "masculine". After that, as I have written in this serial journal, at last, I couldn't manage my terrible, huge weakness and started drinking a lot of alcohol in my 20s and 30s. That's life.
Recently, I started thinking about how I can manage/handle my weaknesses with care. Once, when I had been drunken even in the daytime, I "drained" rants from the bottom of my soul onto Twitter's timeline (yes, literally in public). In that era, I had to struggle with them without any connection with others. In a way, there was NO place for me to let my poisonous ideas/thoughts out. For example, autism, love, sexual delusion...
Even though this can be based on a sort of silly bias, as a male I have to think about how I have still been imprinted with the masculine, a fantasy of sexuality that orders me I should ALWAYS stay strong enough not to weep anymore as a male. Like... Clint Eastwood in movies. But that's simply impossible for me to do anymore (if that's shameful they would say to me, I would accept that as an "immature", "childish" guy). Yes, I am not strong. Here, a very weak, sensitive crybaby is writing this really weird journal.
After today's work, I had dinner. And this evening, I joined a Zoom meeting with my friends. There, I did a presentation about learning English. After that, we discussed a lot from each one's unique perspective point of view. I guess it has become very impressive.
