Even though I am already turning 50, I still tend to get too nervous/sensitive when any woman gets too close to me. In such too "childish" cases, I have to face how my sense/nature can have "bugged" in its function... I should confess this. TBH, recently I have experienced this case in the English conversation class. Of course, in this case, that woman didn't (yes, must have not) have any love for me. She might have their sweetheart, or at least she has their right (I don't know what pronounces that woman usually uses) to enjoy their life freely. However, the more I think about this kind of case rationally, the more I have to face an extra thing that certainly remains in my mind with this confused emotion...
When I was a kid, I was hated by various female classmates as a sort of bug that must have a virus, therefore even now I can't find any proper "boundary" or "separation" from any woman. At first, I am a heterosexual guy who must have a relatively strong desire for feminine essences within my personality/nature (you must think this very cringe, but once I even wished I could forget this emotion of love completely as a virtual/modern hermit!), and even tried to believe I am an asexual guy... OH MY!
Looking back at this... Once, certainly, within my mind, I had believed that I wished I could become a "man-machine" that shouldn't be confused/misfunctioned by any factors (from that viewpoint, maybe the emotion called love must come as the first factor that causes such a silly misfunction). Of course, I am just a weak human being therefore that trial should have ended as a silly daydream/delusion. Now, I can be myself, even though (as I have written above), I still have to be awkward when I see any charming women in my life. Yes, I just am too sensitive, or too idiot. Should I wish hard as I could become so tough, so masculine enough as a bulletproof guy (as Radiohead sings)? Or should I allow this sensitiveness/weakness and start confessing how miserable I am as any "messy" author in the field of literature?
This evening, following a female friend's recommendation on Twitter, I started reading Michael Sandel's classical book "Justice" bit by bit.
