I worked early today. This morning, a female Chinese friend sent me some messages on WeChat, and we exchanged our information a lot. I sent her the pictures of my ongoing drawing, and she praised me so much and even encouraged me to keep doing more to have done it completely. She even gave me her heartful comments about it.
In this kind of case (it means, whenever each woman shows me her kindness), I tend to feel a sort of too-complicated, uncomfortable feeling because once when I was a kid I had been very terribly hated by every (yes, EVERY) female classmate in school. Although I might not have to use the term/keyword "trauma" too easily, I tend to adapt that useful one to this emotion in me, or this nature/character itself. The more they (the current female friends) show their kindness/gracefulness, the more I have to face how I have been simply a dirty dude who has too delusional mind.
I remember... the theme of my ongoing painting was the concept of "delusion". She asked me why I had been drawing about it, and I answered that in my mind there could be who kept on ordering me to try to be normal, to obey every rule in this closed society even though from me it could be irrational. She said to me that we could be ourselves simply in this era... (maybe, even though other people would call us abnormal because of that attitude).
Oh, how could this world have been changed so drastically like this? As I wrote above, once I had been too isolated within this world (yes, although my parents could have cared for me well, I had to live my adolescence period as a virtual orphan), keeping thinking that any woman would NEVER love me anymore (I even had doubted what the emotion of love could be because no one taught me how to love anyone, and also how to accept love from the outer world). Now... I say it can be just unbelievable.
This evening, I joined the Zoom meeting with my friends and enjoyed chatting for a while. A friend shared with us that his daughter had to read Kobo Abe's novel "The Woman In The Dunes" as homework, so we talked about that a lot. After that, I learned that this year's Nobel Literature Prize winner had been Han Kang, who I had never read any works. I reserved one of her books in a library.
