I worked late today. This morning, at AEON, I enjoyed a Japanese philosopher I respect, Shunsuke Tsurumi's book "Expectation and Remembrance [鶴見俊輔『期待と回想』]," a little. In this book, he said that he would start his logic from the starting point of "I am wrong," and he always has a certain obsessive idea that says "I am evil." I have sympathy with him because of those sinful ideas.
Remembering my past days, maybe because of this autistic character and behavior, I was always told (even scolded) by the others in school that I was wrong, weird, wicked, etc. At that time (my LOVELY childhood!) I hadn't been able to build any logic toward such a cruel outer world, so I just had to endure that absurd situation by repeating to myself, "Am I wrong?"
I can't tell how you would see me, however at least, I can't stop BLAMING or CRITICIZING myself under a strong obsession. Maybe my autistic mind which loves dividing anything into two aspects too clearly (black or white, partners or enemies...) can enlarge that obsession more. However, I also have to accept this simple fact. At least, within my core soul/mind, there must be a cluster of chaotic ideas that can be too complicated.
Sometimes... Especially when I read this kind of philosophical book, I even tend to think about various too primal, too "stupid" questions such as "Why should I choose 'peace' instead of 'war'?". Needless to say, my idea says that war should be prohibited because that must torture everyone's (yes, literally EVERYONE'S) life. However, as you can already see, I tend to think about various things as a stubborn, old-fashioned machine (I mean "too automatically"). Tsurumi's books always tell me that kind of dangerous possibilities I must be careful of.
I write this kind of philosophical idea almost every day, however, I've been basically a nameless, tiny worker or an ordinary citizen. I usually use this body actually/physically as a worker, therefore do not need to think about this sort of "difficult" idea. Once, an ex-mentor of mine said to me that I must be escaping from the too-severe, too-cruel reality around me by talking about this too-profound idea. I accept this critical comment.
Then, how am I now? AM I STILL WRONG?
