How do people look at me? For example, from the admins of my group home, I can be an autistic user who pays money to rent their home (although they might say "No, it's YOUR home"). From the previous job coach, I can be an autistic guy who works at a company (diligently? or dutifully? Even though, in this head there might be a too huge ambition or delusion). From you, it could be a writer who could have been writing these journals every day, even though nobody hadn't offered me to do so. Of course, I know who I am, or at least I have been trying to learn who I am by having various meetings with other people to understand who I can be, however (as you could have known already), true self-understanding needs a certain time passing.
As I have written in these journals, now I have been drawing a pic to show in public (its deadline will be next Sunday). Of course, I am never good at painting (therefore, even though I had adored becoming a great manga artist like Akira Toriyama, I had to admit that my talent/ability could have been inside the activity of writing, not drawing). But I just keep drawing to see who I am, who I can be from another, a brand new aspect.
I am never a guy having a pure heart/mind, but just TRYING to become (or pretend to be) that kind of a good, innocent guy (therefore, although you have already seen this clearly, within my mind there can be very, very "weird" or "spooky" pieces of idea as my painting says). Once, maybe because of this autistic character/personality, I hated this impure (and even "stinky") essence in my mind. You must laugh at this, but at that period I had been haunted by the idea that controlled me that this world should be criticized to be divided into two aspects, BLACK and WHITE.
As you could have learned from these, I have been enjoying various blues music, such as Muddy Waters, Eric Clapton, and Howlin' Wolf. These artists' "bangers" have taught me that in our minds (or at least in my heart), there must be a sort of amalgam/fusion. Yes, in my mind also, there must be such a rich fusion (I believe so. WHY NOT?).
Today, I met a new job coach in the workplace. It was my first meeting with her, and I shared how the previous job coach had worked for me very diligently. How did she look at me? I can't see... I decided to collect the business cards I will receive from now. It will be a great file for me. Oh, the relationship around me has grown richer than in drunken days.
