When I arrived at my workplace this morning, I found a mail in my mailbox. It says that I need to recheck my health condition at any hospital... not so unnatural story because I am 49 years old and so have to care about how I should spend the late stage of this life (it can mean how to get mature cleverly without any risky habits of life), even though some people tend to say that our average life is getting to be 100 years. I sent this to my group home's admins via the app LINE.
Someday I die... And the time goes by. Thinking about this, I tend to think about what I have in my mind as a regret. Regret... the thing I couldn't have achieved, or realized. Once, when I was a heavy drinker who even had wished I could die soon, I had strictly believed that I had nothing to regret at all (or, I might be able to say this... whether I had something to regret, anyway I would die so I had to give up it completely). Oh, once I had even laughed at the idea of "eternal life" or "live forever". Even if I could live forever actually, I would be able to achieve nothing... I believed that.
In other words, I could have tried to believe literally nothing. Yes, I tried to give up any possibilities of romantic love, success, and friendship (it was before I met my job coach and my friends). Trying to believe nothing, or trying to live nihilistic. In that era, alcohol was only my soul mate (even though alcohol was just a material that must not have any tenderness, any sympathy with my wounded mind). Oh, it must have been a terrible decade... However, now I can choose to live this autistic, and strange life, probably the one God gives me.
This evening, as I have written in these journals, I attended a Zoom meeting with my friends. I did a presentation about the book I had found at the library, Masaaki Tonedachi's "English? No Way! [刀祢館正明『英語が出来ません』]", and we started talking about how we try to learn English. Each member has a unique experience with that. Although I had not prepared for today enough, we enjoyed this meeting a lot. Yes, I really appreciate it.
