I worked early today. During the work time, I thought about this. How could I have learned to tell my truths out loud to others with a certain pride? About this, I remember my youthful days when I had been terribly bullied by classmates in school. After those traumatic days, I entered a university in Tokyo and finally met some nice people who accepted me as a friend. However, I couldn't show what I was thinking to them honestly, therefore they finally said to me "Come on! Open your mind!". But, even though I wanted to tell them my truth, something in my mind disturbed me doing that I guess. Or, simply at that time, I couldn't even do the least communication anymore.
Remembering that episode, I still feel ashamed so much... But I couldn't have experienced any atmosphere with true trustworthy friends until that time, therefore my mind seemed to naturally hide my truth from the people with who I couldn't have any faith (and, that kind of terrible doubt in myself must have kept other people separating from me I guess). After graduating from the university, there were no friends at all... and, I started a terrible drinking life until 40.
Since 40, I met my job coach and my other friends at an antique-style café in this town. And I started learning how a true trustable friendship can be from them at last. In front of them (actually, at offline meetings and also in our LINE group), I have confessed how weak I am. Even now, I have huge difficulty in the usage of money, in having any romantic relationship, and in the working environment. I shared (or showed) my naked self-figure with various shameful failure examples/episodes I have had (as I have written above).
As a lesson from those experiences, now I can say this with belief. As for me, I can have weaved my own truth with a certain trustworthy relationship, which has allowed me to show/share how shameful/embarrassed I can be. In a way, that relationship has been working as a safety net which always saves my life, and affords me comfort enough to believe the friends won't leave me alone anymore. Therefore, walking with those friends, I must have done the practices to weave my truths as a silkworm puts its string out steadily.
