I worked late today. As a morning activity, I've read Yoshio Kataoka's splendid book "Outside of the Japanese Language [片岡義男『日本語の外へ』]" completely. Although I have already read this book about five times, it still tells me various vivid and fresh opinions well. After reading it, for a while, I had to struggle to find out what I was thinking... Probably, Haruki Murakami would describe this kind of experience as going down into my mind well. If this is true, I should go down into my core carefully.
Why do I keep on thinking about various things so deeply? Every day, I start writing these things in my mind onto my memo pad. Should I quit this habit? I can't see... Anyway, today, through that Kataoka's book I've learned how important to remember my inner roots to find out certain opinions of mine. Because those inner roots can work as universal/common opinions of us, beyond my personal/private territory.
Before I started learning English, maybe I thought that learning English could "crush" my stubborn personality, or identity itself because in Japan English is basically a foreign language... Or, even though I can't tell this with any clear expressions/words, English is for me an "exotic" one, therefore, it can be separated from this country's too-closed, too-domestic atmosphere.
Sorry if this sounds too abstract... Using English, or immersing my mind in English can mean crushing my tiny identity into plenty of pieces completely. I am only a conservative, stubborn autistic guy. Somewhere in my mind, I adore becoming fluent English speakers, therefore I have been learning English like this, and also enjoying listening to English songs (for example, now I'm enjoying Tracey Thorn's singing voice). However, on the other hand, I have been afraid of being invaded into my mind by English too much.
How can I keep on building my identity/mentality stronger enough to endure those alien, outer factors (yes, I am talking about what kinds of beliefs/policies I can possess within my mind)? If I can own any firm root (or roots?) in my mind, then I can have "healthy" self-esteem by that to express myself proudly to the outside...
