BGM: Fishmans - ゆらめき IN THE AIR
I worked early today. At lunchtime, I remembered when I had been diagnosed as an autistic person. And after that, I tried to imagine this - what if I weren't autistic? What could this life be? Of course, it can be a kind of silly idea (so-called "bullshit") because I'm already not such a young daydreamer. But I couldn't stop imagining that... it can sound like some great sci-fi stories or Yukio Mishima's novel "The Sea of Fertility" to me.
What could this life be if I weren't autistic? Could I enjoy any youthful events or any "glory days" such as some Netflix dramas or movies represent? Of course, I can never go back to my past days to rewind my life tape's movement. I have to go straight... But my imagination couldn't stop this trial of imagining. I usually don't enjoy reading any sci-fi novels (of course, I respect various writers such as J. G. Ballards and Steve Erickson), but today I imagine that kind of "alternative" life or "parallel" world.
If I weren't autistic, could I enjoy any romance event? Could I get married and start having a family? Maybe... Those are completely beyond my imagination (like trying to imagine an "alternative universe" outside this one). That could be one of the reasons why - after today's work I went to the bookstore in AEON and bought the latest version of the paperback of "The Pillow Book" by Sei Shonagon, and found that I have enjoyed plenty of (yes, "numerous") books because within my mind I have a certain "greedy" desire/curiosity that lets me explore another person's life, even though that always ends as so-called "virtual reality".
This evening I attended the English conversation class. Today's theme of the class was "traveling", and the teachers taught us what kinds of expressions can be useful for us to ask the route to go. I tried to enjoy the class, but TBH even now I can't judge if my English is good or "so-so (not bad)", therefore, I could get no satisfaction with my speaking even though the teachers gave us plenty of opportunities for us the students to let out our opinions (with their cheerful attitudes). Oh my! Should I try to "crash" my inner, stubborn shell to get reborn and become a new person?
