BGM: Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
Recently, I have been thinking about what has influenced this character of mine, and also these opinions I have within my mind. My friends sometimes say that my ideas are very philosophical and profound. I am glad to hear that, but TBH I have never studied philosophy in any schools. When I was a college student, I chose English literature to study (although I was completely a lazy student.) Maybe I can describe the past myself as an "anti-philosophy" guy who has loved pop culture.
Why did I hate philosophy? Thinking about this, I have to admit this fact again. Once I had very low self-esteem within my mind, therefore, various philosophical works by Deleuze or Derrida were just for elites, very smart readers. I couldn't be smart (at least, at that period I had strictly believed so.) So, I gave up trying to read them.
You may say this, "Bullshit! You have been from Waseda." Certainly, I was once there, but even at that period, I had felt that I shouldn't belong there (writing this, I remember Radiohead's evergreen hit tune "Creep".) I remember... when I was a high school student, I had never wished to go to Waseda, and also there were no teachers who recommended to that huge university.
As I have written above, I studied English literature at Waseda, but I didn't speak English at any college activities actually even though I tried to read a short story by James Joyce in English, and definitely, I had even thought that I must have been a completely idiot. After those college days, I failed to find a job and finally started my drinking life until 40.
This afternoon, I sent a message on the app LINE to my job coach about this. Now, my friends fairly treat me as an "orthodox" guy, not as any genius or an idiot. Also, recently (since 40, the age at which I met my current friends) I have been able to accept myself as an ordinary, old guy. When I was a kid, I had to experience school bullying and isolation/solitude which tortured my mind, but at last, I started accepting that as a basis of my ideas, a brick that consists of my way of thinking. Certainly, that period afforded me a great lesson, even though it cost really painfully.
