BGM: The Charlatans - Here Comes a Soul Saver
A friend of mine gave me a comment to this journal. He taught a word "gaijyu naigo". It is exactly alive and "working" as a booster in me. He said that "it is different from enduring and being tolerant. You should say what you have to say to the world". Remembering that, today I said to my boss about a piece of mistake I had found at my workplace. She said "OK, we're gonna fix it". And this afternoon, although this is not related with that "gaijyu naigo" episode, a Russian friend asked me honestly about this journal. About the memories I couldn't use the system of welfare... As I wrote many times, I had no purpose or ambition to start writing this journal. All I had thought was just I wanted to share something with my friends, and I started this to tell them my "weird" daily life. And now, this journal certainly connects us. I'm really grateful about that. During writing this journal, the situation around me has been changing drastically. And also, I am changing. Am I walking forward? I hope I could do so.
In a way, I am really a great daydreamer. Or, if I can choose simpler words, then it will be described as "an idiot". Even though it is such a difficult era to live, I am believing that communication is basically important. Therefore I am learning English, and also I never stop expressing myself on various social media. That would be related with the fact I had been bullied in schools. I had to experience really irrational communication. Classmates said to me "Everybody would agree with me" and "You must be stupid". They didn't accept what I was saying. Through that traumatic events, I started thinking that "successes in communication" or "delivering meanings in communication" are primary enigmatic. Why can we deliver the things on communication what we want to say? If I start thinking that, then I find that it is not far from Wittgenstein's profound philosophy. In other words, that Wittgenstein's one is not difficult for me because it is really actual about that kind of our ordinary life. The same things can be said when we talk about Haruki Murakami's or Kafka's literature.
After the work, I went to the English conversation class. I could meet the teacher again. Today we talked about "June". We talked about the fact that American culture has "Father's Day" and "Juneteenth" to celebrate. And also, we talked about what will we remind of when we hear the word "June". I talked loosely as "It is rainy season in Japan, and Hydrangea's season. Summer solstice...". Indeed, I am an autistic person so not good at this kind of talking (chitchat?). But I didn't want to escape from that with saying "Sorry, I don't want to do this". I just talked about the things I could think of as saying "we should welcome errors" or "nice error! (this is the thing another friend had taught me)". The teacher had already known my autism so answered me really kindly. I'm glad to her tenderness. I thought that I should move my foot actually to keep on our activity. As Haruki Murakami says in his "Dance Dance Dance", We should "keep on dancing".
Remembering... I had wanted to become a writer in my teenage days. I also thought I wanted to learn English literature because I had an interest in doing translation as Haruki Murakami (in Japan, he has been known not only as an author, but a translator). And I learned English actually, but in the end I couldn't become any of them. In my 20s and 30s I had to wander the really deep pond of alcohol addiction... Someone asked me as "can you read English?", and I answered "Even if I could do so, this rural area wouldn't enable me to use that skill", and "my career must be useless in this situation". Yes, I had spent really wasteful, dread days... But when I became my 40, I started learning English again for the simple pleasure, not thinking about improving/polishing my career. Then, that English learning started connecting me with a lot of foreign friends... On Discord, MeWe, and WhatsApp, I can connect myself with a lot of people in English. Once a friend said to me "You are my idol". Ah, C'est la vie. When I had been soaked into alcohol, I tried to think "everything in my life must be meaningless". But now, like this, I think "even if everything would be nonsense, learning must have a certain pleasure". Yes, we are changing, and this world/this era are also changing. As Bob Dylan sings.
