BGM: Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise
Today was a day off. Recently I am going back to choose the style of reading Haruki Murakami's books simply. Today I read "Haruki Murakami Miscellaneous Writings". In this book, I was interested in the episode of a person who had been isolated by a religious cult. That person had had "Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World" secretly, therefore he/she could survive that situation by reading that book. Me, as I always wrote again and again, I have gone through a few event which might be a kind of "brainwashing" (Indeed, I even tried to adapt that situation). But since now, I can stay in this world because my inspiration said to me "something must be wrong". I guess that is because the books I had read one by one worked as a balancer. These novels taught me that I should keep on staying in this world and find the reason of living this life. I guess it can be so even since now.
In Japan, we can use "Inochi No Denwa". it's a telephone group of saving the people from various mental problems. Once I was a college student, I didn't have any people who I could ask for help (now I think that I should call my elder brother who had lived in Tokyo), so I used that "Inochi No Denwa" again and again. But I had already been a heavy drinker and called the person with drunken state, therefore they must get troubled. I am sorry for that. And I can remember that I have lived many times of the darkness with saying "my life is over". At that time, I read books for curing myself immediately. Haruki Murakami, V. E. Frankle... reading them, and spending time quietly. Then I could find the way to go on or the situation changed strangely, and I could go over. Or I could choose the courageous answer I already had in me. That is also a lesson this life gave me.
In Haruki's "Murakami Radio 2", Haruki writes about his 20s. I think about my 20s, but all I can say is just "a terrible decade". The AUM incident, which Haruki wrote in other books, happened and it made me think "how I can do to keep my normality?". I am never being the person who have any strong mind like a stone. For example, even recently I almost went into a conspiracy about covid-19 and vaccination, and I had tried to believe that alcohol healed my health and mind when I was a heavy drinker. Thinking like this, I guess that it would be the decade that I faced myself one by one, and also tried to find the "faith" or "policy" of mine if I had 20s. And at last, I got an attitude of living with important "certain happy pieces" as Haruki says, and the anarchism of believing the life without any fighting spirit. Even now, that anarchism is alive.
This evening, I went to the "danshu" meeting and confessed the "dust of my mind" completely. My personal completer wouldn't work more, and I always get sleepy well because of the warmth of spring season. Another member said his opinion quoting my diary, and it made me feel thankful for his reading. Once my mind became up and down because of the number of accesses. It was from esteem needs. But since I had started joining this meeting and confessing my stories, those needs certainly vanished from me. Of course, I would be glad if many people read my diary, but I don't want to treat the current state, the trustable readers exactly read my ones, roughly. Indeed, once I dreamed that my entries would be recorded by hatena bookmarkers and become hot entries. But now, I don't have that crooked desire. I want to keep the current life which is full of "certain happy pieces". And this blog goes on.
