BGM: Denki Groove - Flashback Disco
At last, today was the last day of my work. Looking back at 2022, I felt thankful for being helped by a job coach. It was a long way... I can remember that I cried many times literally at my work. I felt irrational feelings and showed tears... I can remember that the beginning clue of the story was the words of my friend in Tokyo. Maybe, I am an autistic person... she said so. I had to start life with autism. After that, I got drunk heavily and also gave up living, and everything. And I met some people who also face autism in this city when I was 40, and another story, the current story started. Ah, without that meeting, I would live my life as a poor loser... I even would treat myself as a loser. A complete loser...
I thought that I would like to start a new thing today, not next year. So I started remembering new words. Yesterday I bought an ointment to care for my frostbite, so I tried to remember "ointment" (but, as you know, my memory doesn't work well because I am already over 40). Today I remembered the author I adore, Choukitsu Kurumatani, and I thought of the phrase "I wanted to live like a hermit". I have to remember the word "hermit". It was really a tiny, but important effort. I believe that these kinds of tiny efforts lead me to big achievements.
After today's work, I went back to my group home. I had dinner and also ate soba (we eat soba to enjoy the ending of the year as an old tradition). Although I tried to read Tetsuya Furuta's book about Wittgenstein, my head didn't work. Probably it was impossible to read books at the end of the year, the time I couldn't stay calm (although Furuta's theories have really high quality). So I opened Fernando Pessoa's "The Book of Disquiet" or Daniel Dennett's and enjoyed some silly and sweet delusion. I can remember that this year was also the one I built a server on Discord, and enjoyed a lot of communication from philosophy to hentai. Ah, what an impressive year!
Once I was bullied terribly by everybody, especially by girls. They hated me terribly... but now I can find that there are many friends or clues for me. Trustable friends... I even think that they are too many. It is really strange... or I even think it is enigmatic. I never think that I have been changed in me. Nothing is changed. But I might be able to say that I stopped facing this world with any evil mind. I always try to face this world honestly and show myself with Antonio Inoki, a Japanese famous wrestler who quote "Be a fool". I started it certainly (but you never say that I am already an asshole!). Thank you so much, and I hope you are always good friends to me in 2023!