2022/11/12 English

I try to reflect on my life. It is never any uncool, but a precious one. I couldn't imagine that it could be such a wonderful one... 20 years before, the period I was into Paul Auster's novels, I couldn't imagine my life could be this 20 years after. I can think of Lily Frankey, who was once a famous illustrator and now is one of the great actors in Japanese movies. Life might be like that. 10 years or 20 years after, how this life can be? I can never imagine that. But I throw myself into such unpredictable chaos. C'est la vie.

I think again that what is the thing I want to do in this life? Now I watch movies and write reviews. I read books and learn English. They satisfied my life... I read Takashi Akutsu's "Diary of reading" or Susumu Sogo's one, and listen to Donald Fagen. They are good friends of the life in my 40s. 47 years old. Although I always think this, I have to admit that I could never become a better writer than Kenji Nakagami and Albert Camus. I must be lesser than Yukio Mishima who passed away in his 45. Ah, I remember myself, who strictly believed that "I absolutely have a talent", but just an ordinary person with shame.

"I absolutely have something shining", or "I must shine and become a famous writer as a genius". I deeply believed so at that period. I wrote my novel without working seriously. and I surrendered the real state which said to me that I was just an ordinary person. Now I can "swallow" such a hard life like swallowing a whole fish. After that, I started writing this diary and also learning English... It can be a wonderful life that has many waves. How will this life become from now? I can't see. Who will read this writing?

This evening I watched John Turturro's "Fading Gigolo". Probably the reason why I am certainly living my life with swallowing the fact that I am never a genius, I can enjoy the point of view of women and the life of Woody Allen's. Indeed, I can't be agree with his "masculine" one well but I want to trust his smartness and humor. This movie is enough for me to notice John Turturro's sophisticated sense. I expect his next one, and I guess that I'm still alright because I can think of the next movie as "What movie I will watch the next?". Because it says that my "horny" essence hasn't gone out.