2022/10/31 English

Today I worked late. This morning I read Susumu Sogo's "Can't live without movies 1999-2002". Listening to Phil Wood's Jazz which this book tells us about, I remember my past days. In my 20s I didn't try to listen to Jazz but just enjoyed brit pop. People change... Now I'm interested in Jazz mainly. I thought about myself because of the title "Can't live without movies". I can't live without music, books, writing like this, and learning English... Probably.

I thought why I have been here. I could live a better life... I could become a talented writer or a professor I imagined. But these ideas are just for me to escape from the reality at last. This reality tells me that I am an ordinary person, and that's OK. I will accept "now and here" and try to survive. I believe that this world treats me fairly. This reality is correct so I have to change myself if I want to deny that.

I thought about getting mature, getting old. When I was on the freshest days... I lived those days certainly. Now I am just a middle age person, but I can remember that getting old meant losing something and giving up. But now I started stopping alcohol and attending meetings about autism, so I can think that I am in the best state of "now and here". Always I accept "now and here" as the best. I will live my life accepting with positivism. I won't do foolish things like I was in my young days, but I try to act decently as a mature person.

Ah, I struggled too much because I wanted to get the success. I wanted to be big and famous... Now I am apart from that greedy dreams and desires and just can live the quiet days. I will listen to Bob Dylan in the 90s or Eric Clapton's "Unplugged" and enjoy them. These "mature" days I can spend mean I am already a lucky person. That won't become any money or fame, but I can live steadily and can write good things. That "mature" state is for me the key to success.