BGM: Susumu Hirasawa "Mermaid Song"
During the afternoon break, I thought about my dream. What is my dream... I thought of the memories of my childhood. Once when I was a child, I could have no dreams of my future. When I was an elementary school student, though other children said that they would like to be a baseball player or something like that as their dream, I had serious trouble with it. I can remember that I wanted to be a writer when I was a junior high school student, but it was just like an unfamiliar dream like getting money by lottery. I spent my days in vain without thinking about what I could do or should do to become it. I even hadn't thought I wanted to be a student at Waseda...
In a way, living with an unfamiliar dream means unhappiness I guess. I, even though I started working actually, had the strict idea that I wanted to be a writer (and I could be) so I lived my life lazily and therefore spent my life unhappily. I was just a simple person so I thought I had sacrificed my life to chase my dream. That must be happiness I believed... but now I have a different idea. Spending days with caring work and relationships preciously and accepting days as God's gift bring me the chance of writing things better and getting happier in my opinion. Believing that, I keep stopping and trying to read books. And also I learn English every day.
Living days steadily and facing the work in front of me with my best. I started keeping the style of my life and trying to do so completely from the past. Probably that was brought by keeping on being sober 'just for today' with the 'danshu' meeting. TBH I have some dreams as I want to improve my English and express my writings worldwide. I also want to go to Hawaii and Taiwan and make my Discord server a little bit bigger. But I don't want to lose my current happiness instead of the too big dream I can't get. I remember the lesson from Yasujiro Ozu's movies. I don't need to deny current happiness instead of choosing the way of any greedy life.
This evening I had an online meeting on ZOOM. There, I did a presentation about the self-help group a member of it. Another audience asked me how self-help groups and mutual help. It was out of my field (what a shame!) so I answered instantly that I had learned from the group that "I am the person who can make myself happy in the end". Of course, we need other people's aid. But it is different from the style of relying on others lazily. We should keep the right to live our lives and don't lose it. We need the toughness to live our lives bravely... that was the lesson I have had. I enjoyed it.
