BGM: Fatboy Slim "Praise You"
Today was a day off. In the morning I talked about using a job coach with a friend and another one at a cafe in the neighborhood. With Bossa Nova music, we talked about various problems in my workplace and tried to make some plans. Two of them, one is a person who will work with me as a job coach, listened to my confession about worries so I was glad. A person described that our relationship is a team, and it was very impressive. I am not alone. I have always been haunted by loneliness at the workplace (or before work), but exactly there are some people who try to help me, so I felt thankful for that.
Ah, I can remember that I had been bullied in my childhood so I am not good at relying on someone. Even now I can't rely on the administrators and staff of my group home, or the people who are connected by the meeting about autism well. I can't say SOS to them smoothly, and once I had lost the relationship itself with a friend... But those numerous failures (Ah, how many times I made mistakes!) told me that "Anytime I have to stay myself still and care". This might sound abstract but I have to keep myself sober and try to say someone my worries properly. Then, the person can start moving and helping me. These are "self-help" and "relying on someone". I have learned both.
Afternoon, I read "Yoshio Kataoka collection: Reading person". Kataoka describes reading as a 'dialogue'. 'Dialogue' with myself. I agree with him. Reading books means following the author's movement of thoughts so it can be a 'dialogue' with the author. And it also can be facing myself as another one so a 'dialogue' with myself. Both of them are the same as listening to the one who is different from 'this myself'. Listening to the 'echo' that is made by two or more peoples' voices. That must be the meaning of reading I guess. This collection delivers Kataoka's powerful voice.
At night, I went to a 'danshu' meeting. I have attended this meeting for over 7 years, but even now I think I want to drink if I see the cans of liquor or the packs of fried squads. They make me imagine alcohol. Therefore I go to the meeting and try to keep on stopping. Summer goes on. Yes, it was hard that I can't drink anymore. But if I drank again, I would go back to those 'drunken' days in hell. I always try to remember what kind of hell I had stayed in and tried to get out. And 7 years passed... I remember Fatboy Slim's album's title. "You've Come A Long Way, Baby"
