Today, at the 'danshu' meeting we had the topic about what is happiness we can define. Once I believed that 'through a good university we must enter a good company' somewhere in my mind. A very 'ordinary' happiness. Therefore after I noticed that I could never join any good large company, I started drinking alcohol and wished for death. Now I choose the exact happiness I can believe, not that kind of 'normal' happiness. That means the one I can feel with reading Yoshikichi Furui's or Fernando Pessoa's books, and also the one when I feel delicious at the meals of the group home. I can feel those things must be the happiness.
Today I had two chances to meet two people. The one was on the ZOOM, and another one was at the city office. Both are the people who are doing some activities about the environment I work in (I feel thankful for them). And the one said to me that I should have a certain confidence in myself. "You might have to have a 'three times bigger' confidence". TBH I had thought that I already had and also didn't need to make myself bigger anymore. Of course, I have had a desire to become big. I have to admit that. I want to live a richer life and let my articles be more famous... But a 'huge' or 'revolutionary' happiness is not what I want. Indeed, there are some people who have changed their fate one night like 'Sandwich Man' who is the champion of M-1 in 2007.
Once I dreamed of a situation like "Castle in the Sky". One day, a beautiful, fatal girl comes from the sky... I wanted that my articles can be delivered to an editor of a publisher. And if I published my book, it would become a bestseller... now I have learned the system of publishers' businesses and noticed that it must be a daydream, but I admit that once I had that daydreaming period. Now I think that 'this must be right' like Danshi Tatekawa. I have already been satisfied with many readers and also I can start from here. Little by little... 'making a bigger answer steadily' (Fishmans).
Today I have read Yoshikichi Furui's "The Days of Soul". I also have finished reading Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet". I thought that I must be quite a great bookworm. However my life would be, I would keep on reading books, complaining as "our government would give us an extra money" or "I would live an easier life if I could get any basic income". I enjoy Kenji Ozawa's and Senri Oe's music, and also enjoy English conversation classes and summer coming. That little happiness in daily life, and also 'sustainable' is the one I want to enjoy. That must be the meaning of 'living in an endless daily life' as Shinji Miyadai says.
