2022/05/31 English

I'm bad at doing any communication. I can't manage to talk as everyone does therefore I can't lead anyone to bring to the proper place. So I can never be any leader. But when I made groups on MeWe and Discord, people joined them. I'm glad to know that. I remember Audrey Tang. She also actively commits to various communities and shares her poems and ideas to make the places more active. I want to follow her attitude, even if all I can share are just this diary and some information about me as an autistic person.

I am having an interest in Wittgenstein's philosophy again. I would better read "Philosophical Investigations" again... Wittgenstein doubts the situation that we can communicate with each other by using languages. Where do we react when we talk words? It is the point he looks at. I can have sympathy with it (or his philosophy itself). I am a person who couldn't understand neurotypical/ordinary people's languages and therefore I had to face various troubles. I heard Wittgenstein was also an autistic person. That might be the reason I can have sympathy with.

Recently I thought about the so-called 'Sally and Anne test'. This test is for showing the fact that autistic people have trouble reading other people's minds. I remember that "The Good Doctor" shows autistic people have trouble with communicating other people. The character which they say the things they had in their mind straightly (so they have trouble imagining how those words sound). Yes, I also have had various troubles so now I can have a habit of thinking about how my words sound... even if I can't do that completely. Communication is difficult. We also can say that "silence is gold". How can I deliver my ideas to others in a better way?

At night, I watched Shinji Aoyama's movie "Living in the sky". It has a very transparent atmosphere! I was not good at watching Aoyama's movies. I think "Eureka" must be a masterpiece in our age but it was an extraordinary movie for him I guess. So I couldn't find the magic in his other movies. I thought that "Living in the sky" was a women's movie. How does Aoyama think about his masculinity? He must have critical, very keen eyes so I can't think he didn't notice this problem. So I even think that he had a 'feminine' personality.