2022/05/28 English

In the morning, I enjoyed chatting in a language exchanging group on ZOOM. The members are I, another Japanese person, and a native person from Toronto. We used Japanese and English. Autistic people like me tend to say that not good at doing small talk or chitchat. I am 47 in this year but still have various troubles with doing that. But other members sent me some passes constantly so I could talk about various things. I'm feeling thankful for that.

At night, I opened the room on Clubhouse again. I confessed about the past I lived to Janne and Asel. I had been hated by girls (because it was the age that boys should do sports well, and that ability showed the boys' charm. I was not good at doing sports so hated and bullied). Therefore I had believed that I had no worth in being loved. Finally, I had shut myself and decided to face to books in my whole life. But at my 40 I met a woman.

She said to me, "Don't blame yourself in such a terrible way". Maybe this comment sounds too cool, but now I can feel a certain tenderness of her must be contained in this (I even can think that coolness and tenderness can stay in one person). I wouldn't forget this as a memorial thing. Step by step, the connection with her, her mother, and various friends I met let me be reborn or reconstruct myself. Autistic people can't accept other people's comments with some kind of 'calculating'. Therefore her comment stays fresh in me.

After that, I read the book Makoto Yokomichi's *Sink in blue in Istanbul* a little. This book tells us about the experiences of an autistic author traveling all over the world. It also contains about the Kyrgyz republic in which Asel lives. It says that autistic people tend to listen to various sounds (the other person's voice and miscellaneous noise) too carefully so they can't accept them. Therefore their brains can be tired soon. Me, especially when I talked with others in English, I tend to get tired soon because of listening to others.