Today I watched a movie. It was Mark Gill's "England is Mine". This is about the young days of the key person of the Smiths, Morrissey. It reminded me of my young days. I had too enormous pride in myself and had been treated as a useless person so I just sank into serious depression. The Smiths sing "In my life / Why do I give valuable time / To people who don’t care if I live or die?". This phrase must be from that blue youthful days of Morrissey. I thought so.
Indeed it was just a 'moratorium'. But once I had thought that "Why do I have to do such a work? I had learned English literature at a university". Of course, we have to seek a connection to the outside society to live. Enormous myself and the real which never admit such a person. We both have to connect at a point. For me, I thought that "This must not be the work of my life" or "I would use these experiences if I would write a novel as a bestseller writer" and tried to put myself into the work.
I started listening to The Smiths after they got broken up. But I couldn't feel sympathy for the disappointment or anger Morrissey sings. Yes, I had felt the state of "Heaven knows I'm miserable now". But, for me, Morrissey's disappointment was a lonely or strong person's one or a person who has a strong and beautiful world (maybe it can be called narcissistic). At that point, Morrissey is the same kind of person as Haruki Murakami. When I was young, I didn't have such a strong world yet. Just I was a mob for me. I was a little person and 'Heaven knows I'm miserable now'.
Ah, time goes by. Now I can feel the power or strong myself which has been trained by the work I have kept on doing for over 20 years (even if I have done it without any intention). Now I can say that I have become an adult. And I met various friends by my destiny and I have learned who I am with my friends' advice. I started having confidence in my lifestyle or my points of view. Avoiding the misunderstanding that Morrissey is absolute, I can trust my sense. Yes, I am already not "The Boy with the thorn in his side", but still think that The Smiths' world is elegant.