I'm keeping on reading Sherry Turkle's "Alone Together". In this book, she talks about showing 'cool me' on Facebook and Twitter, emphasizing that kind of myself. I remembered about my past. Once I tried to play the 'cool me' on Facebook and Twitter too. Trying to hide my weak points or my worries... Of course, that is not wrong. Showing your weakness on the internet can work dangerously so hiding it is a normal work of your mind. But once I had a mind to show 'beautiful me' too much.
Taking that kind of showing 'beautiful me' away, I am never a cool person. I'm just a poor person, who has short legs and a fat body. Besides them, I also have a lot of inferiority complex. Sometimes I think about why I am such a person. Once I hated myself so much and couldn't accept it, so I denied myself and tried to be cool, or laugh at the worries. Maybe laughing at the worries can be an attitude that enjoys humor. But I, in the end, denied this reality and tried to build an 'ideal me' on the internet with my full effort. We can see that it must be 'escaping' from reality.
But then, why did I start thinking about trying to live this pity me, saying farewell to that 'ideal me'? Why did I start acting like this now without desires or wasteful thoughts even if I was once trying to be an opinion leader like an alpha blogger or an alpha Twitter-er? It is because I met important people at my 40 at last, and was accepted this 'uncool me' by them. I can be loved and accepted even if I am never 'ideal me'. That is very big for me.
Today I had a presentation about my diary at the meeting by the staff of the international association. I talked about my diary honestly. Every day I write 8 sentences and 4 paragraphs in the blank on Facebook and translate them into English... the members said about the power of recording, and they were very interesting to me. Besides that diary, I'm trying to record the problems or my good jobs on my work to use for my future. I have a scattered mind, which changes easily. I also forget various things soon. So I can understand this kind of recording has an exact power. But sometimes I quit this work so I should be dutiful.