Today I worked late. In the morning I read Saburo Kawamoto's "Kafuu, good days". I thought about how I wanted to be. Do I want to be an ideologue? I remember the past days I had done my blog and written about a lot of news as a commentator. Yes, it was foolish. Now I never think that I want to get bigger or more famous on the net. Once I had a huge 'esteem need' and said that "watch me" or "praise me". Now I have precious friends exactly so I don't think like that. I can accept this myself truly.
Of course, sometimes I wish more readers would read this journal. It's exactly more pleasant if I could get more readers. But, I also think that being read more might bring me more trouble. I can't imagine how 1000 or 10000 users follow a user like me. I am just a nameless citizen so I don't want to become more famous. I need just some users which can fill a pub. If I got them, I don't need more. Yes, I can't become a major, just a small dude.
In "Kafuu, good days", Kawamoto writes that Kafuu Nagai is a watcher. He watches this world or society with his keen eyes. Through this book, I can see Kafuu, who is a pessimist and individualist. I have never read Kafuu's works so much. I should read his journals (TBH I have read them once before) and his other novels. Like him, I should walk out in the town or go to a bookstore and buy some used books. I feel that I am already retired from this world and stay still far from the current. Am I alright?
Anyway, these days I read Saburo Kawamoto and Kafuu Nagai, and that's all. Like them, I live alone modestly and read favorite books, watch movies (I heard that Kafuu in his late years also watched a lot of movies), and spend my time elegantly. This might be happiness. As I always write, once I had a huge ambition or desire to become bigger and lived wildly. But I started choosing the life I can fit myself in step by step, and at last, I have got this way of life. I might live my life from now like a character in Yasujiro Ozu's movies, saying "I can't have such a huge desire".
