Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/04/19 English

I read Saburo Kawamoto's "Aging Kafu". This is a book about the later stage of Kafu Nagai's life. After reading this, I thought about Kafu's mental landscape who experienced his 'aging' exactly. After that, I watched "The Andy Warhol Diaries", and at last, I have watched all the six episodes completely. This episode describes Andy Warhol's later stages of his life. So these are interesting coincidences. How to live the later stage of our life. I'm also living at the later stage of this s**t life. I remembered the book by Natsuo Sekikawa and thought that accepting death is an interesting topic. But, if I had 100 years of life, I have not lived half of that long span.

A s**t life. When I was a child, I had been hated by girls terribly and treated like a creep, so I still fear women. I think I'm just a creep. So I have never fallen into love with anyone and also never experienced love or a more complicated relationship. I can't see how my life goes but I should believe that I have the worth to be loved. Of course, I won't say 'this' myself must be loved automatically. That is just a dream. I need to 'manage' myself by wearing neat clothes and talking about common topics. But at the level of basic dignity, I want to believe that I have a possibility of being loved.

I sharpened my sense. I tried to listen to better music than others and also read better books. I have such a silly period. At that time, I lived for showing my sense to others. But that way of living is quite empty like the tweet battle on Twitter, where users show their smartness and diss other opinions in vain. At some time, I started to love myself (or I should say 'I started to try to love myself') and grow up carefully. Yes, this journal is also a trial of such growing up. I walk a step forward and admit that progress. Yes, trying to stop drinking is also such a trial. Love my progress and love me totally. I can do such a trial for some time. Ah, a meeting with a woman at the meetings I attend brought me such progress.

This morning I had a strange dream. I forgot that dream totally but it made me want to make my server on Discord spontaneously. I never think that I should get more users and build my server bigger. I never have had such a great skill in management. I just want to have a commonplace to communicate. Yes, at last, everything is from feeling so it's just randomness. I named it 'Pharmacy Andromeda' from the band b-flower that I love. Tell me by message if you are interested.