Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/01/25 English

Ah... why? I don't know why but I always do the things other people don't do. When I was a high school student, other classmates listened to mainstream music like B'z and Dreams Come True smoothly, but I couldn't enjoy them easily. How many times I listened to them, my ears (or my brain) denied to accept them. I won't say they are trash. Both have quite a high quality so their music must be listened to worldwide. But I couldn't enjoy them (and still now, I can't understand them). So at the time, I listened to Flipper's Guitar, b-flower, and Pizzicato Five alone. We say them as "Shibuya Kei".

About reading books... I can't remember what were the bestsellers at that time, but I couldn't have any interest in those kinds of bubbly bestsellers. I won't say the bestsellers must be craps (but at that time, I might say that those books were for "crowd" or "mob"). But my soul wanted more maniac books so I read Paul Auster, Steve Erickson, Mieko Kanai, Genichiro Takahashi, Masahiko Shimada alone. I can remember the period.

Why? I can't see why. But exactly, I do the things people won't choose. And I can't make lies to myself absolutely(I don't know this is from my autism or my nature character). So when I was a high school student I listened to music and read books. I pretended myself as a living dead in a classroom. I can remember those days... I wanted to see Tokyo or somewhere else I had never seen. I couldn't understand Yutaka Ozaki completely. I fought against, not the "rules" of the strict controlling education, but the atmosphere which ruled us the Japanese.

Time passed... now I can see that this shouldn't be the problem of whether I or others must be "correct". This world is quite large so some people can enjoy the music of Throbbing Gristle or Nurse With Wound. But, this might sound too much, but it was quite a hard time as a kind of jailhouse or concentration camp for me. You might get angry with this metaphor. But I believe that real hell is next to our life, not is the place separated by here. True intelligence can see this... I had learned this from the experience of those days.