Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/01/08 English

BGM: U2 "Bad"

Am I wrong? I'm thinking about that. Not putting myself as an autistic person into the world, but making the world into myself. Of course, I have to accept my bad points but I want to change this world. Show the self-size myself to the world and be proud of it... I was trying to do so. But now I think it has been wrong. I am just an autistic, outsider therefore wrong. But if so, I have to accept the fact that the existence of myself can be wrong, not the action of myself can be.

I have been in this world for 46 years. I have learned that long time (or too short?). I can be nobody except this person. How old I get, I would keep on reading and watching. I won't do surfing or snowboarding. That is me. And the group about autism I belong to says it's welcome even if I like reading and watching. The years I have walked with that group must be a long pleasant time for me.

Once, when I was a university student, I committed to a leftist movement. Although it was only three months, I agree with them because I have almost the same opinions with still now (I said "still now"). But thinking about the "tiny noise" I felt with them, I found that I couldn't endure their closed attitude and old-fashioned point of view. That is the reason so I won't ignore that kind of "tiny noise" which comes from hanch, and this is almost my policy of living. In contrast, if I don't feel that kind of "tiny noise", my direction might be right so I keep ongoing. Now I don't feel it so I still go. That is clear.

The night I watched a Netflix original documentary "Feminists". Now, this world is getting to realize the equality of gender. It has been brought about by feminists' steady efforts. In other words, feminists have been suffered from the men's society's closed structure. Common sense can be rewritten easily. Committing the group about autism, the point of view and basic knowledge about autism has been changed widely. If we say our opinions to society, the society itself would be able to be changed. I write this again. I can't be others and I won't need to be so.